The "adoptive mom" label

If you are an adoptive mom it seems to me that nearly all natural moms assume you are either all or in part:

Evil

Stupid

Manipulative

Selfish

Ignorant

Clueless

& Mean.

Lately there has been a blog ruckus because of comments made on Karen's blog. Karen's post and the comments from her were not that bad and I think she was trying to make a very valid point. She may not have come off as politically correct as she wanted or worded things correctly but if you just read things without trying to find evil, I think you will see where she comes from. The comments she received from others however were not kind and very ugly. She also had a very nice follow up post that clearly set the record straight.

I am not evil, stupid, manipulative, selfish, ignorant, clueless or mean, but...I am opinionated and I say what I feel.

Being an adoptive parent doesn't make me a bad person!

I completely recognize that most natural moms go through hell with adoption and will have grief, mourning and a sense of deep, deep loss and hurt forever. I am not minimizing or denying that, NOT AT ALL!

Maybe Jill hasn't processed everything yet. Maybe she will grieve his loss to her one day. I hope she never feels pain over this. I love her very much and I work hard to make sure I do anything possible to make this relationship as good as possible for her and for Jake (and Jack of course).

I have a very difficult time with some natural moms (who do mourn the loss of their child) putting that emotion on Jill. They assume that she does or that she will and that I'm an evil ogre for not assuming that will happen. One natural mom even told me on her blog to "don't break your arm patting yourself on the back". Gosh, I didn't even think that someone would assume me saying that Jill is doing well would create such animosity.

Because she doesn't mourn Jake doesn't make her a bad person or a bad mother. Because I say that she isn't mourning Jake doesn't make me a bad adoptive mom and it certainly doesn't make me ignorant to what she may feel in the future.

Why do adoptive parents not get the benefit of doubt from natural parents that they are good people who are not evil, selfish, ignorant, etc.? I can see if they have proven themselves evil, ignorant, mean and selfish, but why is it almost always automatically assumed. Do we have to preface all of our comments about our joy and happiness we receive through our adopted children with "but we recognize the pain, loss, and grieving his/her first parents must be going through".

Putting anger or grief on someone else shouldn't make you feel better. Does it? Labeling adoptive parents in a negative way doesn't seem fair does it?

I'm proud of the way we handled Jake's adoption. I'm proud of the relationship I have with his natural parents. I'm proud of the way we are raising him. I have no guilt because I have done nothing wrong. I recognize that Jill may be sad one day, she may be devastated but beyond being aware that it could happen what am I supposed to do? There is no way for me to stop that feeling if it should come. There is no way for me to protect her from her own emotions. All I can do is hope that she doesn't experience that pain and to continue to nurture our relationship and to raise my son into a man that she can be proud of. All I can do is be there for her and for Jake.

I will always work on being a better person and I have come a long, long way since we started this adoption process. I am not a religious person but I know there is a reason that we had two failed matches, that we couldn't get pregnant, that the couple in Texas decided to go with a surrogate instead of adopting Jake. There is a reason he is our son and there is a reason it took this long for him to find us. It can't all just be coincidence.

Comments

[Breanna]

I'm sorry, I hope Jill doesn't feel the pain. Maybe she won't. I didn't feel the pain till I had my daughter, then it hit me like a ton of bricks cause I saw what I missed. But I still didn't think that the aparents were bad or evil, I couldn't have picked anyone better to be her parents. Even when the amom told me that she wishes she could look at Jenna and not see me, and told me that she paid thousands of dollars for a baby, not a family. I still knew they were best for her. She was going through her own crap, I can only assume from not being able to have her own children. But maybe since Jill already had children of her own first maybe she won't feel the pain. But she could just be in the honeymoon phase. I just stay away from these things, this is the part of adoption I hate, people trying to up one on everyone else.

Congratulations on your house!!

[Away2me]

Oh Breanna, I'm so sorry your daughter's adoptive mom said those things to you. I'm glad she's a good mom to your daughter and that you guys have everything cleared up. Still, those statements must sting, sting, sting! Makes me cringe to read those words. I don't know why Jill is okay with things, she just is. She's a very unique individual and I'm so lucky to have her in my life and for her to be Jake's natural mom.

[Momofmykids]

My friend who placed her first and only child handled it very much like Jill. Not sure why, if it's because she had such support from us and her mother. But she handled it and is handling it beautifully. Her bdaughter was actually in my house the other night while my friend was here. Because they have a closed adoption, the bmom did all she could (and was successful) in not seeing the child. She respects the a family that much.

The bmom of my sib group also fares very well. Of course, she has her own issues, but maybe because I've always kept her SO updated, or maybe because that's just the way she's wired. Who knows?

Deanna, you are one of the least evil, selfish, mean, (insert the rest of the list here) people I've ever *known*. You are a beautiful person with a heart full of love for not only Jake, but for his whole family.

Oh yea, and you're right...none of your adoption journey was coincidence... :p

Hugs,
Jill

[kim.kim]

You read the comments, you say they are ugly and mean so why are you saying that all natural mothers think adoptive mothers are .......(list is too long to remember)

The comments were really dreadful. Adoptees and adoptive mothers also said they were awful (as you did too). Karen herself said they were unkind and retracted her comment that had been written in the heat of the moment.

It's not about you being an adoptive mother, you didn't make those horrible ugly hateful comments (the ones you found mean and ugly too).

I think it's good that people said no, we don't accept that. I am proud of all the adoptive mothers, natural mothers and adoptees who had the courage to stand up for decency and respect.

Your post implies blame on natural mothers, they didn't make those hateful comments, they just said sorry but you can't just say things like that and get away with it. I'm proud of them, it takes backbone to do that.

[Magicpointeshoe]

I figured out what I want to say to you.

Birthparent grief is a different subject of contentment with the adoption. They can be related and unrelated as needed. Jill can be forever content with placing said child with you, and be discontent with herself/adoption/etc... as part of the grief work later on. It seems like you might be trying to wear her emotions as reflection of your adoption story. It is also likely why you were told not to go patting your back too soon.

Part of the coming to terms with placement is balancing the positives to outweigh the sadness. The minimizing is part of the denial phase. Maybe the message is just a simple do not assume that just because she is happy now that the other feelings won't appear later. And more importantly, that change of feelings is nothing to fear.

[Away2me]

You are 100% correct. I can't assume that she will always feel this way. I guess I'm just so relieved that she currently feels this way and so hopeful that she will always feel this way that I do wear it.

[Julie]

Just need to say that I love you :) I love your eloquence. You are a kind soul and your son, your husband, Jack & Jill and the kids are very lucky to have you in their lives. I pray that Jill remains at peace with her decision.

[overwhelmed!]

I didn't read Karen's post or the subsequent comments (I'll do that soon) but it didn't sound pretty.

Something you wrote struck me, "Do we have to preface all of our comments about our joy and happiness we receive through our adopted children with "but we recognize the pain, loss, and grieving his/her first parents must be going through"?"

I started out doing that, expressing my joy but prefacing it with a comment about acknowledging the pain and loss Giselle and Quinn had to go through. I stopped doing that because I realized that it was emotionally draining me and I just wanted to be able to experience the joy of Snuggle Bug without constantly dwelling on and feeling guilty for the grieving that his birth parents are going through. I will never deny the loss that they must be experiencing, but I can't let it rule our lives. Like you, I choose to focus on being worthy of their sacrifice by raising this little boy to be a fine young man and giving him all the love that I can!

Giselle, like Jill, seems at this point in time to be handling everything quite well. She may be hiding pain from me, but I don't know for sure. I have to trust her at her words and she tells me that she's doing well. I make a point to always keep my promise to be in touch so that she never wonders about Snuggle Bug and feels the pain of a closed adoption.

I don't believe that you're mean, evil, selfish or any of the other things on that long list. I believe you're an excellent mother who loves her son very much and will do anything to help him to be happy.

[weigooksaram]

I think there are a range of experiences, and it's always wrong, and maybe even kind of arrogant, to assume that just because Person A felt a particular way, everyone else in a similar situation feels exactly the same way.

My sister is a birthom in an open adoption. She has mourned, yes, but I don't think she has ever, ever regretted her decision or felt anything but love and gratitude for the adoptive parents. I am, of course, a bystander, and maybe she hasn't told me everything, but I was by her side when she relinquished the baby, and we have discussed her feelings about the adoption many times over the years.

She is just one person. I know there are many birthmoms who are deeply unhappy and regret their decisions, but I don't think it's fair for them to assume they speak for *all* birthmoms.