Away To Me

Med Update

Day two of Lupron, no issues. Woohoo. No side effects at all so far. Probably there won't be.....right? Today I also took my test dose of Follistim. It was a teeny tiny amount. I doubt even someone severely allergic would be able to notice anything. It was only 18 IUIs. When I start officially taking the FSH I'll be on 225 IUI's x2/day! That starts on June 8. Not too far off. 

 

I must say the tiny needle makes me so happy. This is a breeze compared to Repronex. I'm starting to get excited. 

Oh and to answer your questions. I give the shots myself. All of the Lupron shots and the future Follistim shots will be given in my tummy. 

Lupron

I took my first Lupron shot this morning. WOW, it was so much easier than the last time I was giving myself shots. The needled was teeny tiny, the amount of medicine was minimal. I should have taken the cap off the needle before I took this pic to show how tiny the needle is. Maybe I'll take another photo of that later. Seriously, it was a breeze. I'm hoping for no side effects. Hey, one can hope right?

My Nightly pill intake.

I've never been a pill popper. I don't normally take vitamins. But now that I'm trying to get pregnant I'm taking a Prenatal vitamin. And since most of you have probably read the post from the other day you know why I take the other pills to offset the um.... side effects of the prenatal vitamin. 

From Left-Right: Birth control Pill, Prenatal Vitamin, 2 stool softener pills, baby aspirin & 5 fiber pills.

Parenting

I'm having a bad parenting day. Jake can be really tough. I know all parents think their kids are tough, but trust me on this, my kid is REALLY tough most days. I love him more than anything else in this world, but some days I don't know what to do with him. I can't figure out the best way to handle things. 

Example, today he threw a fit the moment I told him to get away from something dangerous. Not only did he not come away from the dangerous area, but when I picked him up to remove him, he bit my shoulder. He bit hard, knowing it would hurt me. So off to his room I sent him. I was so mad I couldn't even think straight. How can he go from loving and sweet to mean and screaming so quickly. 

Example 2, He is not supposed to push down or climb over the baby. He knows this. He waits until I'm out of eye site and then he pushes the baby gate down and gets into everything he isn't suppose to. Now this happens DAILY. No matter how much we punish him, no matter how many times he has to go to time out, he does again it the moment he can. The baby sitter we had here, couldn't believe how quickly he does it. She went to use the potty and before she could sit down she heard the crash of the baby gate. By the time she got out of the bathroom he was at the garage door trying to unlock the door. 

Example 3, Throwing things is a HUGE issue. I took away all the wooden blocks nearly a year ago because they were so dangerous, to me, his dad, the TVs, the dogs, etc. Now the matchbox and hotwheels cars are dangerous and they've been taken away from him a few times. But this kid throws EVERYTHING! He throws sippy cups, food, toys, shoes. The shoe issue is especially annoying. I can't put shoes on his feet when we go in the car because he removes them from his feet and then throws them at me while I'm driving. And he does this while happy or mad. When he throws food, he has to pick it up. Same with sippy cups. Even if we are at a restaurant, I remove him from the high chair and make him pick whatever he threw, up off the floor. I think we are getting better about not throwing food, but the sippy cup issue is terrible. The moment he is done with a drink, he tosses the sippy cup across whatever room he is in. It drives me nuts!  Now I know when he leads the league in strike outs as a pitcher, I'll look back on all these throws fondly, but right now, I'm at my wits end.

Don't get me wrong, he isn't a bad boy. He's just tough and all boy. His moods flip quickly which is tough to deal with some times. He goes from loving, sweet, kissy boy to biting me and screaming NO at the top of his lungs. I wish I was better at relaxing and dealing with things calmly. I think I can be hyper and explosive about some of his behavior. Which is not the best way to handle things. I have to remember that he is only two and he just turned two. I mean aren't two-year-olds supposed to throw food? Maybe I'm expecting too much of him.  

I'm just having one of those days when I wish I was parenting better. I feel like we are consistent about punishment. I feel like we are on the same page when it comes to what we expect of him. But I'm starting to wonder if we expect too much of him.  

Parenting

I'm having a bad parenting day. Jake can be really tough. I know all parents think their kids are tough, but trust me on this, my kid is REALLY tough most days. I love him more than anything else in this world, but some days I don't know what to do with him. I can't figure out the best way to handle things. 

Example, today he threw a fit the moment I told him to get away from something dangerous. Not only did he not come away from the dangerous area, but when I picked him up to remove him, he bit my shoulder. He bit hard, knowing it would hurt me. So off to his room I sent him. I was so mad I couldn't even think straight. How can he go from loving and sweet to mean and screaming so quickly. 

Example 2, He is not supposed to push down or climb over the baby. He knows this. He waits until I'm out of eye site and then he pushes the baby gate down and gets into everything he isn't suppose to. Now this happens DAILY. No matter how much we punish him, no matter how many times he has to go to time out, he does again it the moment he can. The baby sitter we had here, couldn't believe how quickly he does it. She went to use the potty and before she could sit down she heard the crash of the baby gate. By the time she got out of the bathroom he was at the garage door trying to unlock the door. 

Example 3, Throwing things is a HUGE issue. I took away all the wooden blocks nearly a year ago because they were so dangerous, to me, his dad, the TVs, the dogs, etc. Now the matchbox and hotwheels cars are dangerous and they've been taken away from him a few times. But this kid throws EVERYTHING! He throws sippy cups, food, toys, shoes. The shoe issue is especially annoying. I can't put shoes on his feet when we go in the car because he removes them from his feet and then throws them at me while I'm driving. And he does this while happy or mad. When he throws food, he has to pick it up. Same with sippy cups. Even if we are at a restaurant, I remove him from the high chair and make him pick whatever he threw, up off the floor. I think we are getting better about not throwing food, but the sippy cup issue is terrible. The moment he is done with a drink, he tosses the sippy cup across whatever room he is in. It drives me nuts!  Now I know when he leads the league in strike outs as a pitcher, I'll look back on all these throws fondly, but right now, I'm at my wits end.

Don't get me wrong, he isn't a bad boy. He's just tough and all boy. His moods flip quickly which is tough to deal with some times. He goes from loving, sweet, kissy boy to biting me and screaming NO at the top of his lungs. I wish I was better at relaxing and dealing with things calmly. I think I can be hyper and explosive about some of his behavior. Which is not the best way to handle things. I have to remember that he is only two and he just turned two. I mean aren't two-year-olds supposed to throw food? Maybe I'm expecting too much of him.  

I'm just having one of those days when I wish I was parenting better. I feel like we are consistent about punishment. I feel like we are on the same page when it comes to what we expect of him. But I'm starting to wonder if we expect too much of him.  

A Bonsai or Redwood Tree (TMI post)

Busy day at the doc's office today. I had my Mock Embryo Transfer. That went well, my cervix is straight and true. So I'm all measured and ready to go when we get to that stage of the game, currently slated for June 18. I also had the Hysterosallingogram/Hysterosonography today. That was fine except I have had some cramping for the past 6 hours. I was sort of hoping the cramps would be gone by now. I could take something for them, but since it is more of a dull ache kind of cramp, I think I'm going to wait a bit longer. It isn't unbearable and if I keep busy I don't notice the cramping much. The doctor said everything looked great with my uterine cavity, no fibroids or other issues. Clean as a whistle!

To be honest the worst part of today .... well two worst parts. One, leaving Jake with a sitter while I go to the doctor. This is the second time I've had to do that and I'm telling you it doesn't get easier. I hate leaving him. I know he is fine and he doesn't cry when I leave or while I'm gone, but it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest when I have to close that door behind me. Ugh, I hate that feeling. 

The second worst part is one of those TMI situations. You see, I'm an extremely regular type of gal. At least I was until I started taking these prenatal vitamins. My goodness these things are playing havoc on my system. Currently I take the prenatal pill at night with 5 fiber pills and 2 stool softeners and I'm STILL having issues. 

This morning I got up early and took a shower, made sure to trim up the lady town and shave the legs, knowing that I'd be in the stirrups. Before I showered I tried to go "potty" but things were jammed up. I thought it would be fine. As I drove to the doc's office I got more and more uncomfortable. As I waited in the waiting room I kept thinking, maybe I should just tell them I need to get something from the car and go use the potty in the lobby. But I thought knowing my luck the nurse would need me right when I'm down stairs using the facilities and then I'd have to wait longer and that would mean getting back to Jake later than I wanted. So I sat there, worried, uncomfortable and wondering if the doc would be able to tell I was having issues when he was wanding me.

Finally the nurse came and she said, "do you need to use the restroom first". At first I thought, gee, do I look that uncomfortable? Nah, it must just be their policy to ask. But I did have to pee and decided I best go do that. At this point, I don't want to try to poop in their clinic bathroom. I mean, this could take some time and effort and I wanted to feel fresh and normal when doc was down there taking care of things. So I headed off to the ladies room to tinkle. But when I got there I knew I had to go, you know, GO. So I decided it would be best to just take care of things. I really didn't have a choice.

Against my better judgement I made the effort to poop. But it felt like I was pooping a giant redwood tree, sideways. Eeegad it was awful. And then I was feeling like I was pressed for time so I was making efforts to move things along. Rushing what feels like a huge redwood tree stuck sideways in your pooper is NOT fun. I was miserable during the process. At one point I looked over and saw the cord with the sign next to it, "Pull in case of emergency" and thought, Hmm, how would that go over?  Finally things moved on out and I was oh so relieved afterwards. I flushed the terd away thinking, how can something that small feel the way it did? It felt like a giant redwood but it was more of a Bonsai tree. I washed up and then washed up again, convinced everyone would know I just flushed a terd. I mean, when it feels like the effort required to push a tiny terd out is the same effort it would take to change all four tires on my truck, you feel like everyone knows. 

I must say though, I felt better afterwards. Some might say, "loads" better. Ha Ha.

Abby and Normal

I paged the on call nurse today regarding hubby's CF test. He is not a carrier. So now we can proceed with no worries on THAT part of the cycle. I guess I'm AbbyNormal and he is Normal. Any Young Frankenstein fans remember that?

Tuesday morning I go in for my SIS. I start Lupron Wednesday or Thursday. That's all the news for now.

Jake and Large Marge- Rain Day.

We had really strange weather in Southern California yesterday. Thunderstorms and even a Tornado about 20 miles from our home. Crazy stuff. So Jake was inside all day.

My baby sitter for the day while I cleaned and did laundry was the wonderful Large Marge. She loved being inside all day and Jake loved having his best friend to hang out in his room. These photos were taken at different times throughout the day. I love the last one..... Marge really was hoping Jake would drop his spaghetti. She was ready and waiting for it. 

A phone call

I have to call my mom today. It is her birthday. Maybe I'll get the answering machine like I did on Mother's Day. 

Being a mom changes a person....at least it did me.

Motherhood has changed me. I'm a softer person these days. I keep noticing the signs that' I've softened, especially now that I'm back among the world of Infertile ladies and IVF professionals. 

Example #1, the other day I read a post on an IVF forum where someone had read a comment where a fertile woman had said something to the effect of "People who do more than 5 or 6 IVF cycles are selfish and should just adopt". Now I don't think "Selfish" is the correct description in a scenario where someone was on IVF cycle #5 or more. But I wasn't up in arms like I used to be in regards to the "just adopt" statement. Prior to Jake or right after Jake was born, I might have gotten my hackles up on that. As I read more comments on this subject, I felt more compassion for some of these ladies and to be honest, I felt sorry for them. Some of the hate that spewed about "fertiles" and quotes like, "That's why I hate fertiles". I had to just shake my head. Then they went into why adoption wasn't for them. I have no issue with their reasons. Really, I don't. But I think they are missing out on something more precious than biology can ever provide. 

Example #2, NBC had some Mom Contest. Those of us who are moms via adoption were originally labeled as Non-Mom or something to that effect. I'm sure most of you have read it on other blogs. Eventually NBC changed the wording and apologized. But for me, I decided it wasn't something to get up in arms over. I knew others would handle that job quiet well. Prior to Jake or shortly after his birth I would have looked like Mel Gibson as Braveheart, Screaming my way into the NBC complaint in box. 

Example #3, Monday we had an appointment at the IVF office. Because Hubby's work is only about 25 mins from the office, he and I try to go together to these things, he watches Jake in the parking lot while I go up to the doc's office for whatever. Then he heads off to work and Jake and I go home. No need for a sitter. Well, due to our blood work results, Hubby had to come up for more blood work. I asked him to meet me outside the office near the elevators. The nurse who heard my phone call said, "Oh he can come right in". I explained to her that he had our son. She said, "Oh that's okay, we are in the business of making babies". I thanked her but said it would just be better to meet him out in the hall.

Despite years in the industry of making babies and dealing with couples who have had great difficulty conceiving children, this wonderful compassionate nurse didn't get it. Being a mom and one who has endured IF treatments and adoption, I felt like I got it and I didn't want to subject any hormonal, woman going through IVF to Jake's adorableness. Prior to Jake or right after Jake was born I probably would have been miffed at this nurse for not "getting it". Now days, I think how lucky I am that I got it and I hope softening will make me a better mom.

I'm not a sugar-coater type of person. Never have been. I call things as I see them. I have to work to be tactful as it doesn't always come naturally. I am judgmental and don't have issues with that. There are a lot of things about me that one might consider harsh. But being Jake's mom has forced, or should I say allowed me to view things differently. I focus my attention on him and not being angry about NBC. I'm thankful I couldn't get pregnant the first years that we tried, had we, we wouldn't have Jake. 

I'm truly looking forward to IVF. I'm enjoying the process so far. Yes, ENJOYING. Why, because the experience I'm gaining in this is helping me to grow more. I'm also fascinated by the science of it. I figure that if is meant to be, it will be. We have a great clinic, we are taking great care of our health, both physical and mental health and we are optimistic about our chances. But in the end, if it doesn't work out, I know that there is either another child out there who will need us or we are meant to have experienced that we could only have with one child. 

No, I'm not in some lala land. I know that a BFN will hurt deeply. But I know that if that happens, I will get over the hurt, we will move on. Right now I'm just feeling so privileged to be mom to Jake, wife to my hubby and to have the finances, the health and the wear with all to go through with IVF. Life is good right now and I'm super thankful that I recognize that and can live in the moment.