Feeling like a Fraud.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud when I tell someone I'm pregnant. I mean, I may not still be pregnant. I have no reason to believe I miscarried, but I guess I really won't know anything positive until my ultra sound on Thursday. It just doesn't feel real yet in a lot of ways. I keep thinking that if I had morning sickness it would feel more real. I know I shouldn't hope for m/s cause it can get bad and miserable and super dangerous if it gets of of control. But still I just feel like a fake right now. 

One part of me wants to tell the world, the other part of me is embarrassed because I worry that on Thursday the doc will say, "Well I'm sorry, looks like it disappeared". Again, I have no real reason to believe anything went wrong, but I just feel like this is too good to be true. It reminds me of when we were first matched up with Jake's bio family. I kept thinking, this is just too good to be true, this can't finally be happening. 

The fact that I'm super bloated and my belly is very distended makes me feel like even more of a fraud. I mean, I look like I'm 5 months along. Seriously! I lost 24 pounds since December until the start of this cycle. That's  a pretty good amount of weight for a person my size, 5'. I haven't weighed myself since I started this cycle, but I'm sure I've gained some. But this belly thing is crazy. I'm not holding a lot of water. I drink a lot of water (with lemon) all throughout the day. It tastes fantastic! And I'm peeing often. I'm avoiding salt and other than yesterday, I've probably been eating healthier since I got my BFP than I have in a long time. 

My hips are so sore and sick of PIO shots. They are almost numb now and they are swollen and hot and have tons of little holes in  the bruises. Hubby calls my hips purple push pins. I should probably give my hips a break and take my shot in the fanny but I have such a hard time doing that, it isn't much better. And don't get me wrong, this is TOTALLY worth it. And really I'm not complaining, I'm just sort of describing things. 

I still am thinking a singleton is in me, not twins, but again, we won't know anything till Thursday. Every once in awhile I say, "he" in regards to the baby. Intuition? Perhaps or it could be I'm used to using the term "he" cause of Jake. 

Comments

[Sheshe]

I can't wait til Thurs for you so we can see if there's one or two in there. Don't worry about being a "Fake". I was in disbelief when I got my bfp after all the years of infertility and I didn't have m/s or anything for the first couple months. I just felt like my period was going to start anytime and was always running to the bathroom to make sure I was still pg and not bleeding. It won't feel real probably until you start feeling the baby move. Even then it still didn't feel real to me and to this day when I look at Lilly, I can't believe she was inside me. I say just enjoy being pg and also enjoy no m/s. My came on at 12wks when most women's is supposed to be easing up. I never really puked, just had a food adversion and felt nauscious a lot.

Good luck on Thurs and you better post when you get back. LOL I'm obsessed with checking your blog for updates now to see if there's more than one little sac in there :)

[Shawna]

Once again you hit the nail on the head. It sounds like I could have written this post. I hope Thursday hurries up and gets here, but partially because it is just one more day until my u/s.

[Katrina]

I completely understand. I guess I was fortunate to have m/s (and it sucked) but I fretted over every day i didn't feel as terrible as the day before. I am crossing all parts for a great Thursday u/s!

[Karen J]

I can imagine how you must feel. I think if it were me I might feel that way too! :) Big hugs, thinking of you and can't WAIT until Thursday! :)

[Susan]

I think that's how lots of moms feel when they are first pg -- esp. b/c everyone doesn't get m/s. Still, many don't get m/s before week 7-8, so don't count on that yet! *yuck* I'm right there with you, though, holding my breath until your Thurs. u/s, mainly b/c then it's real(er) and we can all breathe a little better until the next milestone or worry -- which we ALLLL have when we are pg, or wanting to me, or afraid we are (OMG, remember THOSE days? ha).

[Jen]

I completely understand why you would feel that way. HUGS. It does get easier as things move along. And I know it doesn't help for me to say this - but I'm just SURE you will get great news on Thursday. And as far as gender... hmmmm.... I *knew* from day one that our son would be a boy, so maybe you're right on. :)

[Daisha]

It won't feel real for quite a while unfortunately. I still think "seriously...is this really happening?" You may start feeling sick soon enough. I got sick from about 6-12 weeks or so. It may sound bad but I hope you do get sick...for me, every time I threw up...it was reassurance that my hormones were working and baby was growing!! So...here is to future puking!! LOL!!

[AmyLyn]

Don't wish for m/s, it will happen soon enough! LOL You are still pregnant and you are NOT a fake and I know the feeling will pass once you have that u/s on Thursday and get to see your bean, or two! ;) Oh and I was calling my peanut a he/him alot too and I REALLY wanted a girl so maybe it IS a subconscious thing.. :)