Anxiety

* Edited: Sorry this is such a rambling post. It's quite clear I was loosing my mind at 4am. 

Well, my anxiety level increased at warp speed in the past 3-4 hours. I have been annoyed by the move and all the ups and downs, but not fearful and anxious until basically midnight. The past 20-30 minutes have been especially obnoxious. You would think that the sheer exhaustion I'm feeling would make it impossible to be awake and worried about every nightmare moving scenario possible, such is not the case. 

I'm having the same feelings I'd get when I had really bad panic attacks in my early 20's. Difference now is I know how to help control my reaction. And yes, blogging right now when I should be catching my last few minutes of ZZZZ's is in fact a way of me coping. I used to ward off panic attacks by washing my face and reapplying makeup, or cleaning the bird cage, other mundane activities that I didn't have to really think about, I could just do, they were routine and pattern like and my brain liked that (so said the shrink who I was seeing at the time).

Now I'm writing this post because trying to sleep is making me more anxious. When I lay my head down, I envision all the different ways my children can get hurt at the new house. Specifically Jake. The rental place has a pool and it is very scary to me. But now I'm blogging in the hopes of pushing the ugly visions out of my brain until it is a reasonable enough hour for me to get up, get dressed and start loading more stuff into my trailer to take to the new place. We actually have an appointment at 8:30 to get the keys and do the walk thru. Which means we leave in 2 hours. 

I'm hoping I won't need to come back to this place today. I'd like to get all the essentials in one load and be able to get to nesting in the new house while hubby handles the movers and all the work that involves. Sunday we have some work to do around here and Monday I have the cleaning lady and carpet cleaners to meet here.

I can tell my blogging efforts are working on my anxiety level. I'm already feeling more relaxed. I'm sure this post means absolutely nothing to anyone reading it. But I hope to look back at it one day and realize what a freak I was. LOL! 

Have I mentioned the babies are going through a growth spurt? They are nursing, I kid you not, EACH, 3-4 times a night. They wake up about every 1 to 1 1/2 hours, nurse for 5-10 minutes and then fall right back into deep sleep. Very rarely do these nursing sessions coincide with one another, which means I'm up 6-8 times a night for the past 4 nights. I'm glad they aren't awake very long, but still, it's driving me a bit insane. I hope this phase passes quickly. 

Jake so far is handling the packing and changes to his world like a champ. He helped me pack up his toys both those that go into storage and those that we are taking to the rental and never complained once. We packed the stuff going into storage 3 days ago and he's only asked for one item (baseball bunny) once and when I said, "Oh, baseball bunny is packed away". He said, "okay" and hasn't asked for it since. Last night before he went to bed I had all his clothes packed away, everything except the 3 books we were reading before bedtime and his clothes for the morning and he didn't seem upset at all. Daddy and I read him his books, told him tomorrow we were going to a new house and he'd get a new room and a new bed and we could go swimming. He seemed so excited! "New room? New Bed? Swimming" he said with a huge grin. He really is so stinking cute! 

Okay,I'm feeling better. I can get up now at the reasonable time of 5:20 and start collecting the final odds and ends.

Comments

[Susan Sparling]

Hugs to you. Moves are so much. Interim moves are even more thrilling (yuck). Then add 3 children, including twins, and stir. I'm thinking of you today!

[Erin]

i was also thinking that this may be a growth spurt. That's about how much I am up! Very frustrating. Hopefully it ends soon, right? Take care