Away To Me

Falling apart

I'm falling apart. I have a few good moments, an hour here or there where I think everything is going to be okay and that I'm fine. But the other 22-23 hours a day pretty much have me in pieces. 

I've had a lump in my throat and my test has been tight since basically Friday. Sunday it was horrible. Monday hubby took Jake all day to finish stuff up at the old house and I felt okay, the lump went a way for most of the day. But this morning it was back. I am wound so tight right now that I don't even remember my husband leaving the house. I know he said goodbye to me but for the first time ever, I don't remember watching him walk out the door. I think I'm so darn angry at him for all these changes that I'm resenting him. And really, that's not fair. It's not his fault we moved. I agreed to all of this and I know it will be better for us in the long run. But for the short run, it really, really sucks.

I hate the mother I am this week. I've yelled at Jake far too many times. My patience is thin or even non-existent. He is just a typical 3-yo boy. It is not his fault we are in a rental with a pool with no fence. I've got this placed locked down like you wouldn't believe. And I still wont' let him out of my sight. In my mind I know he can't reach the top of the sliding glass doors to take the locks off. But my mind wanders and gets irrational thinking that maybe we didn't lock it. Even though I can see it is locked. Crazy.

The babies aren't sleep well at night. Last night was a good night, meaning I only got up 4 times. Nights are just hell right now. Hubby and I are both way too fat to be comfy in the queen size bed. It is just too hot to snuggle. The heat here is unfricking believable. It was 113 on Sunday. Today it was 106. And it doesn't cool off much at night. The coolest point at night is still in the 80's. The A/C and the fan run non-stop which is drying out Nathan's nose. It makes him miserable. About 3 times a day I have to spray saline in his nose and this morning I took him the shower with me to loosen things up. Poor baby sounds miserable. 

The dogs hate it here. It's too hot for them to be outside all day. And it is a rental, so they are pretty confined when on the inside. Poor Marge needs more exercise than she's getting, but it's impossible between the 3 kids and the heat to help her. Grace is pouting like a teenager because I make her lay on a blanket instead of next to my side of the bed. The carpet is white and she doesn't need to lay on the white carpet. You would have thought by her expressions and sulks that I've taken away her last kibble.

I hate to be a downer, I know how lucky I am. Really, I do know how fortune it is that we can move to this area that 8 months out of 12 is absolutely perfect. People from all over the world vacation here. It is a high end area, with homes averaging a million dollars. That's no exaggeration. The one are we looked in the average home price was over $900,000. I know my husband's income is good and that it will get better. He has taken a 45%  pay cut though, which is hard. We can't afford to put Jake in Montessori school here. The price is unbelievable, 3 times higher than what we were paying at our previous home.

I need help and I don't even know how to get it at this point. I joined the baby sitting service that I used to find German Grandma at the other place. I have had 2 people apply. One I may call back but she is 35 miles away! The other does in home day care which I won't do. My family is even farther from me than they were before and hubby's family isn't an option. I simply can't keep going at this rate. It's been 4 1/2 months and I'm exhausted. I'm up all night with the babies and then all day long with the three of them. I've done better than I think most people could have done, but I think I've found my limit. 

I cried like a baby in my car today. I can't do that around my Jakey, it's just not right. And it wasn't a big deal that caused my breakdown, but it was enough on this day. The chest got tighter and the lump got bigger. I decided to take Jake to the children's museum that's about 5 miles from here. So I made sure to feed the babies, change them, load them in the car seats, drive there, unload everyone including babies into the stroller. Get inside and the reception person tells me no strollers. I just turned around. I can't take the babies and Jake by myself without a stroller. Poor Jake saw the other kids playing and he was excited and I had to tell him that we couldn't go. It was too much for me at that moment. 

I decided to go to the library. I punch in the library to my GPS thing and head that way. I get there, get the kids unloaded again, go inside and I'm informed that they dont' have a children's section, that I need to go to the community library. Yes, there are two public libraries. I was about to give up but I had to do something for Jake. So we drove to the real library and he got his first library card and 4 books. He was so excited. We also go their summer schedule and we are going back tomorrow for story time. 

Then to top off the bad morning. I had ordered groceries online. The market has a service where I can just go and pick them up. I called to see how it works and if I could pick up my order (which the web site said I could from 12-2). They don'y have my order. I still don't know why it didn't go through. So I have no groceries in the house. Just a few basics to get by. 

Okay, enough rambling and complaining. Babies are crying, I'm needed.

Not feeling well

I think I've hit my limit. I started to feel pretty yucky this afternoon. (actually just about an hour ago). Jake's hit his limit too and is being a typical 3-year-old. I really need sleep. At some point, I'm going to have to lock myself in a sound proof room and sleep for at least 5 hours straight. I do believe I'm officially all tuckered out. Having all 3 kids by myself today in a new environment on about 3 hours rest (8 hours in the past 3 days) has done me in. 

Anxiety lifted

Aaaaah. Now this is much better. Boys napping. Mommy lounging outside in the sun and by the pool. The rental is perfect. I'm feeling so much more relaxed. My darling husband is taking care of everything with the movers and I'm living the life of luxury right now. (well, as luxurious as one can be taking care of a 3yo and 4 month old twins alone). Wouldn't change a thing though.

Here are a few very quick snap shots of the place.

Now this is where I'll be for the next 1/2 hour. (if the boys allow)

Birth Announcements - Finally

Last week I got the birth announcements sent out. Embarrassing that it took me 4 months to get that done. By now everyone on my mailing list has received them, so I can post them here for everyone to see.

Anxiety

* Edited: Sorry this is such a rambling post. It's quite clear I was loosing my mind at 4am. 

Well, my anxiety level increased at warp speed in the past 3-4 hours. I have been annoyed by the move and all the ups and downs, but not fearful and anxious until basically midnight. The past 20-30 minutes have been especially obnoxious. You would think that the sheer exhaustion I'm feeling would make it impossible to be awake and worried about every nightmare moving scenario possible, such is not the case. 

I'm having the same feelings I'd get when I had really bad panic attacks in my early 20's. Difference now is I know how to help control my reaction. And yes, blogging right now when I should be catching my last few minutes of ZZZZ's is in fact a way of me coping. I used to ward off panic attacks by washing my face and reapplying makeup, or cleaning the bird cage, other mundane activities that I didn't have to really think about, I could just do, they were routine and pattern like and my brain liked that (so said the shrink who I was seeing at the time).

Now I'm writing this post because trying to sleep is making me more anxious. When I lay my head down, I envision all the different ways my children can get hurt at the new house. Specifically Jake. The rental place has a pool and it is very scary to me. But now I'm blogging in the hopes of pushing the ugly visions out of my brain until it is a reasonable enough hour for me to get up, get dressed and start loading more stuff into my trailer to take to the new place. We actually have an appointment at 8:30 to get the keys and do the walk thru. Which means we leave in 2 hours. 

I'm hoping I won't need to come back to this place today. I'd like to get all the essentials in one load and be able to get to nesting in the new house while hubby handles the movers and all the work that involves. Sunday we have some work to do around here and Monday I have the cleaning lady and carpet cleaners to meet here.

I can tell my blogging efforts are working on my anxiety level. I'm already feeling more relaxed. I'm sure this post means absolutely nothing to anyone reading it. But I hope to look back at it one day and realize what a freak I was. LOL! 

Have I mentioned the babies are going through a growth spurt? They are nursing, I kid you not, EACH, 3-4 times a night. They wake up about every 1 to 1 1/2 hours, nurse for 5-10 minutes and then fall right back into deep sleep. Very rarely do these nursing sessions coincide with one another, which means I'm up 6-8 times a night for the past 4 nights. I'm glad they aren't awake very long, but still, it's driving me a bit insane. I hope this phase passes quickly. 

Jake so far is handling the packing and changes to his world like a champ. He helped me pack up his toys both those that go into storage and those that we are taking to the rental and never complained once. We packed the stuff going into storage 3 days ago and he's only asked for one item (baseball bunny) once and when I said, "Oh, baseball bunny is packed away". He said, "okay" and hasn't asked for it since. Last night before he went to bed I had all his clothes packed away, everything except the 3 books we were reading before bedtime and his clothes for the morning and he didn't seem upset at all. Daddy and I read him his books, told him tomorrow we were going to a new house and he'd get a new room and a new bed and we could go swimming. He seemed so excited! "New room? New Bed? Swimming" he said with a huge grin. He really is so stinking cute! 

Okay,I'm feeling better. I can get up now at the reasonable time of 5:20 and start collecting the final odds and ends.

1 year ago.

Two, five-celled little embryos were placed in my body.

And now I have two, many-celled, little boys. What amazing year. Thank you all who have read my blog and encouraged me, cheered me on, given suggestions, etc. You've made my journey that much more special!

Nathan, last Saturday.

Wesley last Saturday.

I had to ask for help

I'm overwhelmed here and I was forced to ask for help. My brother is coming over this afternoon and even my mom didn't hesitate to help when I asked her. I am beyond thankful. We move Saturday (chance we may have the movers come Friday as it saves us $20/hour).

The boys are all fine. Babies are staying awake a lot more during the day which makes it tough to get much done and I have so much that needs to get done. 

Just for your viewing enjoyment, my three All Stars! Wes, Nate & Jake!

Happy Conception Day Boys!

One year ago today, my body was probed for eggs. My husband had a much better time with his contribution. LOL! But the end result was two beautiful boys that arrived February 18.

Happy Conception day my boys!

4 months old

I'd love to write a long letter about how wonderful my boys are and what they are doing at 4 months old. But to be honest I am so overwhelmed with the work load ahead of me, I'm not going to be able to do it. 

I'm exhausted and stressed.

BIG shout out and a PJ day.

First off, congratulations to my buddy Sally who had a HUGE baby boy this morning. Baby Boy B arrived via C-section weighing a whopping 10 pounds 10 oz and he was 22.5" long!!!!

In news around here, well not much. We are packing, packing, organizing, cleaning, etc. Sucks to be honest! LOL. Jake escaped the madness today to go to school. Today was pajama day. He could of cared less about it. Frankly I'm not thrilled about it myself. But we went along with it and tried to make it fun. 

Garage sale is this Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I hope it goes well, but I'm not holding out much hope!