Hubby has worked 13 -14 hour days the past three days. His job is on the line. I'm exhausted and scared. I've worked my butt off for Thanksgiving dinner. All while dealing with three boys.
Jake was terrible today. Terrible! I have never been more frustrated by him in my life. I finally lost my cool and yelled at him. I'm too tired to feel guilty about it. I've done so well not to raise my voice.
I cleaned like a mad woman today. And I cried a lot too. I wish I could hurry up the grieving process. I'm embarrassed (don't know why, but that's the feeling) about still being upset about Thomas dying. I think there is also some guilt about being upset because I'm married.
Trust me, I had no urges to be with this old boyfriend. Even if we both were single he is not anyone I'd even remotely think about trying to rekindle a flame with. But it feels odd to grieve for someone I loved, when I love my husband so much. It feels wrong. So I am forced to process my feelings while he is not home. Which makes me feel like I'm cheating. So odd. So silly! But it is what it is.
I think I would feel better about it all if I had answers to how he died. I'm so confused by the circumstances of his death. It bothers me greatly. I chatted on line with the guy who introduced me to him, Gene. He had no further details or clues as to why he died. That was frustrating. But, his brother who I saw at the funeral but didn't get a chance to speak to has 9 month old twin girls! Wish I would have had a chance to speak with him about our kids. Funny how life works.
Today I went to my old boyfriend's funeral. It was so sad. I cried so hard when I saw his brother. I didn't think I'd be that emotional. He left behind so many people who loved him, including a young son. He was only 40 years old.
I have no answers to how or why he died. I think it might have been suicide. None of it makes sense to me. The funeral drug on way too long! It made it impossible for me to visit with anyone after services because I had to go back to hubby and the kids.
My old boyfriend had changed a lot in the past 20 years. (well 15 since I was around him). He was a minister which surprised me, although I knew he was heavily involved in his church. He also had some other demons that I still don't know all about and probably never will know.
It was nice to reconnect with old friends. There were a lot of us who knew the "old Thomas" or the "real Thomas" not the new person that was called "LT". Depending on who was speaking at the funeral, it really made it feel like it was a funeral for two people. All of his old school friends knew him as Thomas or Tommy. And the new folk, it was LT. It was clear from the testimonies that the person who we all spoke about and cared about, was the same person deep down inside, no matter what we called him by.
I was so glad I went to his service. Seeing his dad and brother was worth it. His mom was so distraught that when I hugged her I don't think she realized it was me. I thought for sure his dad wouldn't remember me but the moment he saw me he jumped up and embraced me and said it was so glad to see me. I lost it all over again.
I am so thankful for my wonderful husband. He took me to the service and drove around with the boys while I was there. Such a wonderful man.
Sorry this post is rambling. I'm still emotional and I've got 3 kids tag teaming me for attention right now.
Thanks everyone for the encouragement to go to the funeral. My husband is fine with it as I expected he would be. I guess until I heard about Thomas' death I never really realized what a huge impact he had on me and who I am today. I did like his mom and I adored his brother and his nephews. So I'd like to see them, pay my respects and to visit with all of our old friends.
I'm a pretty open book person (if the blog wasn't a giveaway to that) LOL! But on one aspect of my life I am very private and I don't even discuss it with my husband. We talked about it briefly on two occasions, but it's not something I deem relevant to my life now, so there is no need to discuss it further. At the time of my life when it was relevant, Thomas helped me greatly to deal with all of it. I am forever indebted to him for that. I wish I would have told him.
Is it okay to go to an ex-boyfriend's funeral? I haven't seen him in probably 15 years and for some reason I feel odd about it. My husband I'm sure will be fine with it, but it seems odd. Any thoughts?
I found out about an hour ago that an old boyfriend died unexpected on Friday night. I do not know many details but the details I have do not make any sense. I keep hoping it is a misunderstanding. The girl who called to inform me was a very good mutual friend of ours and so I have to believe her. She even spoke to his brother.
His name is Thomas and he really was my first love. He helped me to get over a very traumatic phase of my life. I owe a great deal of who I am and my confidence to him. He was a fantastic boyfriend for many years. He wandered a bit and broke my heart, but he'll always been a special person in my heart. There were a lot of issues as to why it would never work between us, too young, family issues, religious differences, etc. But he was a good person who I will always care for.
We were best friends for about two years before we dated. I used to remind him to send his girlfriends flowers, and he introduced me to a guy I dated for a few months. We were just friends and even when we dated we were friends. I remember the first night I met him, I was with a guy, a friend who he assumed I was dating and he said, "Don't let that one get away Gene, I'll snatch her up" and I though, "How rude"! Gene (who really was just a friend) said, "Oh, that's just Thomas, you'll learn to love the guy in no time". And he was right. We were best of friends and then more a few years later.
He leaves behind two sons (I think, I know he has one son for sure). Not to mention his mom, brother, sister a niece and two nephews. I haven't seen him in years but I spoke to him after Jake was born but before I was pregnant with the boys. He was the same old Thomas. He said something over the phone that I didn't think was appropriate, so I never called him again. I had called him to see if he would detail my truck as he owned an auto detailing company. After his comment I didn't feel comfortable having him or someone who worked for him detailing my vehicle. I'm married now and jokes like his weren't appropriate. But that doesn't mean I was mad at him, it was just a line not to cross if you know what I mean.
I feel so bad right now. It is such a sad feeling knowing that someone you loved is gone and all the people who you know cared for and relied on him for so much are now left to be even more sad than I am.
For the past three days I have not raised my voice or yelled at Jake. I know to some of you that sounds like no big deal. But lately I've become a yelling mom. I never wanted to be a yelling mom. I am embarrassed that I've become a yeller. In fact, I've become a screamer at times. Not good, not good at all.
The other day I was reading one of my favorite blogs and I read a post that really put it in perspective for me. I don't want to change who my child is (in a negative way). Yelling does that I am not going to do that to him. I love him more than anything. ( all my kids) I would hate to be yelled at all the time. Why would I do that to someone I love? My husband doesn't yell at me and yet lately we have both been yelling at Jake. It is time to stop.
It just sort of snuck up on me. It seems like I'm always so tired from being up with babies all night and sometimes Jake would be doing something and I couldn't physically get to him to stop him so I'd yell. It is like I replaced my body with my voice. Baby on the boob or not, I can not yell! I will not yell!
Not yelling is hard, very hard. But it is also very rewarding. I feel like a much more productive parent. Plus, now when Jake yells at me and I calmly say, "Mommy doesn't speak to you that way, you can't speak to mommy that way". He told me today, "sorry mom, that's rude and the police man will take you to jail if you talk like that". I explained that it wasn't that drastic, but that yes, it is rude and that if I yell at him he should remind me not to yell.
So, remind yourself, not to yell at your kids. And Christine if you read this. Thank you!!!
When I post a thread on a community forum regarding my concerns about Nathan's sleep pattern, please don't minimize my concerns. I posted there looking for help, similar stories, solutions, support, etc. Also, please read the original post that covers most of the questions you then waist my time asking and having me answer again.
And if you say that this is "normal" please back that up with some literature for me. Because I don't think it's normal for a baby at 8.5 months to not be able to sleep beyond 2 hours at a stretch and everything I read says it is not normal.
I really dislike Asshats when I'm not tired but when I'm super tired I hate Asshats!