Away To Me

Happy New Year

I've read a lot of blog posts today, everyone talking about the good or bad of 2009. How they hope 2010 will be better or at least as good.

For me, well despite some challenges with moving, hubby's job, some financial issues, not being as healthy as I normaly am, etc., this has been the most amazing year. Raising twins and a 3yo is no cake walk and we went into survival mode plenty of days. Cartoons made many apperances on our TV, pizza guy made a lot of deliveries, laundry got put off often, dog poop was picked up weekly instead of daily. We all made some sacrifices. But this is what we have to show for it all. Happy kids! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is better than that.

I love my boys. I can't wait to spend the next year with them. I took these photos this afternoon. I want to remember the perfectness of 2009!

Jake & his bigwheel and tools looking manly with his shirt off!

Wesley flashing his big blue eyes!

Nathan with a smile that lights up the room, the state, the country the world!

 
 

How Much Does Your Agency Make?

Most adoption agencies make lots and lots of money. I think making money is fantastic and I have no reason to begrudge anyone from making money. But when your money making pursuits cloud your ethics then I have a huge problem. When your money making pursuits exploit hopeful parents and expecting mothers than I'm sickened by you. As I'm sure most of us realize in order for adoption agencies to make money they need two things, hopeful adoptive parents and expecting mothers. As a consumer I look at how an agency portrays themselves. I'm sure expecting mothers also look at how an agency represents themselves. Maybe some natural moms can expound upon how they picked the agency they went with.

Many agencies are not for profit status companies. Many of these non-profits are religious or church based agencies. Of course you don't have to be a religious or church based non-profit agency to fool hopeful parents or expecting mothers into thinking you are "all about the children". As a consumer I would feel like a non-profit agency would be a responsible agency to choose because their hearts are in the right place, right? I mean they are not doing this for the money, right? They are doing it for children and for desperate parents and for expecting mothers, right? As a consumer I would assume that they don't make money, hence the non-profit status. I would assume that they wouldn't have lots of excess income and that any excess would be used towards helping orphanages or crisis pregnancy centers or some other appropriate, child or family based need.

Take a look at these "Non-profits":

Gladney Center for Adoption - their assets for 2004...$17 million! Yes MILLION! Now the interesting thing about Gladney is their profit was only about $47,000 for the year. Now I'm curious how that can be. I'm still doing research on this one. I notice they didn't list their wages the same way other agencies did. I think their might be some "creative accounting" going on here. Sure, it is probably legal but is it ethical?

HOLT International - their assets in '04 $10 Million! In 2004 their net income was over $5 million.

Jewish Family and Children's Services of Greater Philadelphia total assets in 2002, 2003 & 2004 were over $11 million, each year. Profits in 2004 were $7.7 million. The government gave them $4.5 million in grants! Now, having said that, one of their clients pointed out to me a very valid point: this agency's figures also include all of their programs, not just their adoption program. Does that make it okay? I don't know I'm still thinking that one through. To me a non-profit shouldn't be making that much money unless they are giving almost that much money out the following year.

Even the smaller non-profits like IAC that do about 200 adoptions per year, had more than $400,000 in assets in 2004 and made more than $230,000 after their expenses.

Here's an intersting one, Adoption Advocates International. They preach to their consumer, adoptive couples, that they, "have a responsibility to help in the country of the origin of the children by supplies and financial assistance". Profits for them in 2005 were over $235,000, add that to the $745,000 they started the year with and you get about $980,000. How much of that money went to "the country of the origin of the children" for whom they assist in adopting.

If I had more time I would do the research to see how much money the directors of these agencies are making. I'm sure it would boggle our minds.

I'm not trying to attack any adoptive couple for the agency they choose. If your agency is listed here, I have no problem with you having used them, but I think we all need to be aware of how much money they are making off of adoption. Also, assets don't mean income. It is important to check out your agency and see how much money they made in one year and how much the following year. What disturbs me is when you check their 990 tax disclosure form and you see that their 2005 profits were added to huge profits from 2004. Then you check 2004 and see that those profits were added to huge profits in 2003. When their income keeps growing but their fees don't decrease and their charitable acts don't increase, well then that is where we have some serious issues.

Here's what I want to know from you.

1. Are these dollar amounts appropriate for non-profits?
2. Are these dollar amounts appropriate for any adoption agency?
3. Did you know how much money your agency was making?
4. Do you care?
5. Would you use them again knowing how much money they are making.
6. Will you check your agency next time you adopt or before you adopt?

Want to check out other agencies that some how are able to not have any money or very little money left over at the end of the year? Go here and type in the word adoption. Scan through and look at how little or how much some of these agencies are making. You have to filter through pet adoption and stuff unless you type in a specific name of a company.

Eat This...You'll Like it!

This is part one of my thoughts, my experience with our adoption agency and with our first attempts at adoption. If it rambles, I apologize but it would be damn near impossible for me to just tell you about how rotten adoption agencies are if I didn't tell you how I came to learn about them and see first hand how they operate.

Hopeful adoptive parents are fed crap from the moment they start thinking about adoption. The first phone call to the agency starts out so wonderful. I call it the appetizer or better yet, the Pao Pao platter (pronounced Poo Poo).  “Oh, we are so glad you called, we look forward to helping make your dreams come true”; “Once a couple decides on adoption they feel a huge burden lifted from their shoulders”; “We would love to tell you about the wonder birth mothers that we work with”.

Then you meet with them and you get more of the Why We Are The Best, this being the main course. This is where the feed you the lines, “Our birth mothers undergo a lot of counseling and support before we even match them with you, that way we know they are very committed to the adoption plan and it is less risky for our adoptive couples”; “We prefer not to match a birth mother until she is her last trimester because we want her to feel the baby and know what she is giving up”. (Oh, so all you have to do is feel a 6 month old fetus and you can comprehend the loss).

”Open adoption is what we strive for, but you’ll have to determine what you and the birth mother are able to handle”. We were even told that “Most birth mothers back off after a few months; they want to move on with their lives, once they know the child is safe and happy”. This was from an adoptive mom who worked for the agency. “Our birth mothers are counseled so much that they almost begin to feel more like surrogates than birth mothers”.

After the main course comes, Hopeful Adoptive Parents Desert A La Mode! “Our match times are between six months to 9 months, but a cute, young couple like you with a stay-at-home-mom, well you guys will be gobbled up fast by a birth mom”; “you’re profile will be so active and I’m sure the right birth mother and the baby meant to be yours will find you in no time”.

Here is the worst part… I bought it….I ate it…. and I liked it! I regurgitated to my family and close friends what I had been fed by the adoption agency. I thrived on the words they said. I read their brochure over and over again. I also checked with the BBB (what a joke) and I questioned the agency about the things I had heard about them, the negative things that you can find out about any agency if you even barely look. They answered all my questions with reasonable explanations. I also asked to speak with clients of theirs; sure enough the agency gave me phone numbers for 4 or 5 couples who had recently adopted who were similar to us in age, same budget for birth mother expenses, race options, etc., to speak with. I called two of them and both couples raved about the agency care. When I asked about how it was to deal with the birth mothers and the hospital situation and all that, one new mom said, “Oh it’s not fun, but you get through it and once you have your baby you won’t care”. Well, of course, my pee brain thought, of course it would be hard, but it will be okay because I’ll be a mom”.

After the meal is digested and you’ve been patiently waiting for the agency to call with a match you begin to wonder if you did enough research. You start to go to adoption forums and read things written by birth mothers. Oh no, this can’t possibly be what happens with MY agency. They have counselors and support and they screen the birth mothers to make sure they know what they are doing.

Finally you get the call. You’ve been chosen by a birth mother from Texas due in 5 months. What? Wait, 5 months, that means she’s just barely into her second trimester. I questioned the “birth mother counselor”, “I thought you didn’t match birth mothers until they were in their last trimester”? “Oh well” she replied “She’s had a child already so she knows what pregnancy is like and what to expect”.

Me: chomp, chomp, chomping on what I had heard, dissolving it in my mouth, calling everyone with the good news, prefacing it with, “but she can change her mind until after the baby is born”. I showed ultra sound photos of the little blob that I thought would be ours and I spoke with the expecting mother. Oh what a sweet girl she was. Very open, talkative and not shy. At one point in the conversation, after speaking for about a month she said something to the effect of giving up her baby. I told her that, “she’s placing her baby, not giving up” (yes, I said those words). She said, “well, it is a gift”. To which I replied, “No, it is a baby, not a gift, you don’t choose adoption because you want to give a gift”. I forget what she said after that. I felt terrible for what I had sad. Now, looking back I’m proud of what I said. The next day she called and told us she had decided to keep the baby. I told Alex it was all my fault, that I had said the wrong things to her. I kept thinking I didn’t say anything that was wrong and if that kept her from placing than it wasn’t meant to be. Then I would think, stupid, stupid me I probably hurt her feelings.

Back to waiting. Back to the message boards and forums. Tasting little by little the other side of adoption. The side that I didn’t get from our agency. The scary side, the dark side the side that was filled with broken hearts and horrible tales. But before I could immerse myself completely, boom, the phone rang, another match.  The “birth mother counselor” said, “This one is really a for sure deal, as for sure as I’ve ever presented to a couple”. She is 34, married, but not to the birth father. She has placed six kids, all at birth, prior to this one. She has two teenage children (her first two). There are some legal issues because the husband is recognized by the law as the father, even though he was in jail when she got pregnant. “Birth Mother Counselor” told me, “We can’t handle the legal part of this, you’ll have to hire outside counsel”. The husband was not going to agree to the adoption. I did my homework, and found out the bastard husband was in prison for raping her 12-year-old daughter. He plead guilty to sexual penetration of a child under 13-years-of-age, multiple counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and a few counts of sexual misconduct with a child under 13-years-of age (I think that was the wording).

He did 9 ½ months in jail. The second he was released, a week before the expecting woman (I won’t call her a mother) was due to come to California, she took him back and sent her now 13-year-old little girl to live with grandma. She kept the baby boy that we wanted to love and raise and now he calls the rapist daddy.

Many of you who have been reading my blog for the past couple of years remember this story and remember how much pain Alex and I were going through. I called Child Protective Services to report the fact that this child rapist was about to live with a minor child, I called his probation officer and did all that I thought I could to protect that poor baby. But in most peoples eyes I was just a sour hopeful adoptive mom. Which, in a way I was, but my heart will always carry a piece of that baby boy. I wasn't as upset for us as I was for the children kept by that woman. I hope the children she placed for adoption are doing better than the ones she decided to keep. I think about him often, wondering if he is healthy and safe hoping that he could have had a daddy like Alex instead of the monster who will raise him. I hate that woman. She is not a mother.

Soon I'll post part two. Part one has drained me!

Some further thoughts on this

Thank you all for your concern. I really appreciate it. I can read your comments and take a deep sigh of relief that I'm not crazy. I'm serious about this, since the adoption process got "ugly" I have actually experienced physical pain from the stress. It scares me, I'm way to young to have this happen.

As far as the security of this web site. I'm beginning to think that even if there was an "infiltrator" that I don't care. I did check though the list last night after I got that email on the scam groups.

I might change the password next week, but I may not. At this point, what's the difference. I guess it will depend if we go to an attorney and I feel like posting about advice from the attorney. Then we will have a new password or I'll just mass email updates!

As for the house. My brother and I have been painting for two days. I'm so fricking sore in my shoulders and neck! The hardwood floors come in tomorrow and the stucco is done being repaired in the front. I've been taking pictures but I've been too busy to re-size and upload. I'll try to do that next week. For now though, if you haven't been to this site, take a look, it's our remodel blog!

The reason I know.

I also wrote this as a comment from the last post but I didn't want Mpjjj to miss it.

The reason I know this person knows me and is from our agency is:
A.) she used my real first name
B.) a person who investigates adoption agencies emailed me and told me to google her email address. When I did her real name came up. She is our agency's lead attorney's secretary.

Yeah, it's for real! I'm screwed! I have actually chest pains from this.

I F'ed Up

So today on an adoption scam board I got an odd response to one of my posts where I didn't say our agency's name but I basically spelled out what pieces of shit they are. Well, one the anonymous responses back clearly indicated that they knew my real name... and guess what.... it was a person who works for the agency.
I F'ed up and was to obvious. Now, I'm sure they are really going to try to screw us! I've been told to call the district attorney in Orange County and file a complaint against them. Why me? Why can't I just become a mom without all this bull shit!

Adoption Agencies

Adoption agencies suck. I'm sure there are a few really good, really ethical responsible agencies out there but I have yet to find them. Sure people have good experiences with their agency but that doesn't mean they are good or they are ethical, it means you had a good experience with yours. Period.

A few things that make me want to pull my hair out:

1. Agencies that charge a fee based on your income. Excuse me? Do you mean that because we have made good financial decisions and decided to wait to have children until we were financially stable that we should have to pay more than say someone not as responsible as us? So, you mean to tell me that the overhead costs for an agency are higher for the children adopted by people with higher incomes, therefor they are charged more? I think this is a huge, disgusting and unethical practice. We avoided all agencies that based their fees on a income sliding scale.
2. Agencies that are not adoption agencies. This is what happened to us, we signed with an adoption agency that isn't an adoption agency. Sure, they tell you that when you speak with them but they say, "we are better, we are a law firm". Funny thing is they don't tell you that they are not allowed to help you finalize adoptions. They are basically a facilitator that finds a birth mom for you, they find an adoption agency in the state you are adopting in or from and they coordinate with them. Oh, and because you then have to work with a real agency, you are charged by them also.
3. Agencies that make you feel like they know what is best for you. This is another thing that chaps my ass. Why do these agencies think they know better than I do what is best for my family? Why on earth do they talk to me as if I'm a dimwit when it comes to trans racial adoption. Yes, I know I would love the child but there are other factors involved. Extended family is a big concern with us. I don't know if certain family members of ours would be okay with a biracial child in our family. Before I "okay" a huge decision like that based off of some uneducated-want-to-be-social-worker manning the telephones at an adoption agency, I think I better have some serious talks with our extended family.
4. Agencies that push for open adoption only. This is another type of agency that chaps my ass raw. I think those of you reading this blog and those of you that have read the letter that I wrote to C, the potential birth mom we were emailing with recently, know our thoughts on open adoption. I am fully disgusted with the agencies that really think they know what is best for every child, every birth family and every adoptive family out there.
5. Agencies that tell birth families one thing and adoptive families another. This is probably the worst type of agency. What's even scarier? I think it represents the agency that we signed on with. I've been doing some undercover research and I've found that what our agency tells birth moms about after placement counseling is very different from what they tell us the "birth moms need or want". Before we signed the contract with our agency I asked the specific question, "What about counseling for the birth moms before and after placement?" I was told that most birth moms don't need or want counseling after placement because they have so much counseling in the beginning. "we counsel these girls so much that they are so sure of their decision to place the child, that they almost feel more like surrogates, than birth mothers, that's why we have such low upset rates (failed matches)". They tell birth moms that they will provide them with professional counseling at no cost for as long as they think they need or want it. Turns out that means a telephone call with a birth mom counselor from the agency, not a licensed Psychotherapist in a private setting.

Oh goodness, if I had known then what I know now would things have been different. I feel so stupid for choosing this agency. The sad part, I really felt like I had done my homework, like I had put forth a lot of effort to chose an agency that was able to provide us with a healthy, Caucasian child in 6 months, nine months top! Yes, I'm slightly embarrassed that these were my priorities. But in my defense, I thought agencies were overseen and monitored by the state so much that they couldn't get away with being unethical. That was another reason we decided on our agency. They are HUGE, they are EVERYWHERE and they were EXPENSIVE. These things made me assume that they were professional, ethical and quick. Ha, what an ass hat I am for believing that. The price tag represented customer service, the huge and everywhere represented lots of birth moms, quicker match.

I checked the Better Business Bureau, I printed complaints from former and current clients that I received on the BBB and the adoption forums and I asked our agency about the complaints. I really felt I had done everything possible to make sure we are with a good agency. That is why I feel so stupid.

A year ago this week, we signed loan docs for an equity line of credit to pay the $7,500 to get started with this, "wonderful adoption agency" that I had "checked out backwards and forwards". Little did I know that a year later we would be out $17,280, have two failed matches and no prospects of being parents any time soon. Yes, I think ASS HAT is an appropriate description of me!