Away To Me

UFC 101

Today has been a good day. First, I got 3 hours of consecutive sleep. The boys were up (a lot )  but at their 6:30 am waking, I nursed them both, took them to the living room, put them in their swings. Told hubby I'm off to sleep, returned to my room, shut the blinds, turned on the fan, the headphones and took some Advil for my headache and crashed for 3 hours. 

Three hours people, 3!!! Count them, 1, 2, 3 consecutive hours of sleep!!!

Tonight, UFC 101. I won't predict winners,  but I must say, I like all 4 of the fighters in the two main events. But I want Forest to win and Ken Flo to win. 

Do you watch UFC?

Creating our family - our history & bit more.

The history of us and our infertility and adoption:

• March '03 - Married
• August '03 - Bought first home and started to try to make a baby.
• March '04 - Talked to Gyno about not getting pregnant yet. (early yes, but I knew something was off)
• June '04 - Met with RE
• July '04 - Dec '04 - Tested for all infertility issues. Did our first two IUI's (1 natural & 1 Clomid)
• Jan '05 - moved on to adoption, signed with an agency 
• June '05 - decided to try new RE while waiting on adoption. Started injectable IUI's. (2 cycles)
• Mid June '05 - First match with potential birth mother
• July '05 - First failed match - On the same day I found out I wasn't pregnant (the first time I had ever made it to a Beta test) I found out our match had failed. (within 2 hours of learning we weren't pregnant)
• August '05- last injectable IUI cycle. Stopped Stims midway due to the severe allergic reactions.
• September '05 - Second match with potential birth mom (baby due Oct 10)
• October '05 -  Second matched failed. Birth mom decided to parent the child with the monster birth father who raped her 13-year-old daughter. 
• January '06 - was put in touch with Jake's bio family (Private adoption not affiliated with our agency)
• February '06 - flew out-of-state to meet Jake's bio family - Fell in love!
• March '06 - spent a week with Jake's bio family waiting for him to be born
• April '06 - Jake born in our home town.
• Jan '07 - Met with RE about trying it again. I left the jerk's office crying my eyes out. I was not ready to pursue things again. 
• February '08 Discussed foster/adopt seriously - hubby vetoed idea 
• March '08 started searching for new RE 
• May '08 Started first IVF cycle.

When I spell our history out in a brief time line like this it seems like such a short period of time. Certain moments stand out for me for different reasons. 

• Being left on the table at the fancy RE's office after being inseminated from our first IUI. I was left so long the timer in the room the runs the lights went off. I was told to lay there and relax for awhile. Nobody told me how long so I figured it needed to be awhile. Finally someone accidently came in and found me. I was so angry.

• The agency lies and deceptive tactics that cost us over $20,000. 

• The devastation I felt when I found out I wasn't pregnant despite not starting my period. It was the first time I had made it to the Beta test. I was sure I was finally pregnant. When I found out I wasn't I cried a bit and said, "well at least we have our adoption to look forward to". Two hours later the potential birth mom called and said she was going to parent. Happy for her but sad for us. I remember trying so hard to sound happy for her on the phone and not cry. Inside I felt like I was being punished for trying to get pregnant. We would not have been trying to get pregnant had we been matched but we were already in the middle of the medical cycle when we got the call about the match. It was a short match, 3 weeks but it still hurt when it ended.

• Nothing could prepare my already sensitive senses when the second matched failed. The circumstances were terrible and to this day I think of the baby boy we wanted to adopt. The person who gave birth to the child ( I will not give her the credit of being called mother) decided to parent him with his bio father. The man who was just out of jail after serving 8 months for pleading GUILTY to sexually penetrating a child under 13-years-old and a bunch of other charges. I read the court docs! That was her daughter! She chose that monster over her own daughter who then had to go live with the grandma. It made me so ill. 

• Meeting Jake's bio mom in person for the first time. That was one of the best moments of my life. It was so nice to see her and look into her eyes and realize that this actually might happen. We might actually become parents. I knew things were going to work out or really hurt bad when she gave me the necklace wit the silver heart with MOM written across it. 

• The moment Jake was born and I held him in my arms, naked against my bare chest. That was the best moment of my life. It still is.  

In the end all the drama and crap was worth it, I have my gorgeous, smart, wonderful, funny, amazing, fantastic little man. I'm so thankful we didn't get pregnant. Really, really bottom of my heart thankful. This time around however, I'm hoping it all works. I really would like to build on this family. I really would like Jake to have a sibling. I'd like to mother another child. I'd like to watch Alex father another child. He is such an awesome daddy.  

I don't need to be pregnant, but I'd like that experience.

I don't need to give birth, but I'd like to give birth and plan a birth plan.

I don't need to breast feed, but I'd like to be more successful at it than I was when I induced lactation for Jake.

I don't need to have a newborn experience again, but I enjoyed it so much, I'd like to.

I don't need any of this, but if it happens I know I'll appreciate it so much. I know I'll continue to do my best to make my kids happy. I know in my heart that if it doesn't work out that we will be okay, that I'll regret loosing the money, but not regret giving it a try. My heart hopes that hubby will come around to doing foster/adopt or that some situation that is perfect will fall out of the sky for us. Jake is completely enough and if he is our only child I don't think we will feel incomplete at all. But in my heart I think there is at least one more child out there waiting for us. 

Decisions, made and made for us.

We made a decision and a decision was made for us regarding the growing of our family. Firstly we decided we don't want to adopt again. Now I know we may change our mind, but I kind of doubt we will. I'm disgusted with the adoption industry as a whole so if we were to adopt again, it would probably be through the foster system which is equally broken, but in a different way. I rather not get into all the details of this decision, but it is something we are both comfortable with.

The puppy from Missouri is also not going to join our family. The breeder was upset with me because I kept changing the way she would be shipped. I was trying to make things cost effective, convenient for the breeder's schedule and comfortable for the dog. That is a hard combination. Evidently my last change upset the breeder and she called me with a very angry tone in her voice and asked for my address so that she could send me a refund. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I'm probably more upset that she treated me as if I was some terrible cruel person who just wanted to throw the puppy on a plane. Oh well, she doesn't know me and doesn't know what kind of home we provide for our dogs.

Jake is being a very active boy lately. He's very rough when he plays, typical boy. He's also into climbing and daredevil stunt moves, also typically boy. We try to get out of the house as much as possible and keep him active until nap times but it has been over 100 degrees here. In fact it was 106 or hotter all last week. Which means we spend a lot of time inside.

More updates later, I've got to pull Jake off the couch!

Let me explain

A couple of you asked what I meant when I said I would do things differently this time around. Firstly, I don't mean our parenting style. I'm very surprised by how confident I am as a mom and I think hubby and I are doing a pretty darn good job raising Jake. Of all the things in my life that I've done or do, being a mom is one I'm the most sure of myself. Sure there are days or moments when I think, "Oh gosh I'm a terrible mommy". But they pass quickly and I think that is probably something all mommies feel from time to time.

What I would change goes back to this post.

I believe adoption can be a good thing, but I'll never believe it is an ideal situation. No matter how good a mommy I am to my little boy, I know he will probably have a sense of loss, hurt and abandonment. His family didn't want him, there it is, blunt as can be. We wanted him, but that doesn't take away the hurt.

Frankly I don't think this situation (the baby boy due in Aug) will work out. It just doesn't feel right. The mother has already changed her mind at least once and to me that indicates that she might have options and be able to parent. Since I don't know her situation I shouldn't guess about her. But if she can parent she should parent.

I'm pretty happy with having Jake as our only child. I was basically an only child myself (2 older 1/2-brothers who didn't live with us while I was young). I personally don't feel like we HAVE to have a sibling for Jake, but I'm not opposed to it either.

What shocked me was hubby's initial negativity. He later told me I caught him off guard and that's why he sounded so negative. Equally, I was as shocked by my reaction. I didn't expect to be so excited by the probability of another baby. Mixed emotions is the only way I can explain it.

For now we have decided to do nothing, make no phone calls, not even to inquire if we could have our home study updated in a hurry. If a phone call does come along in the next 5 weeks, I guess we will take a look at the situation at that time. Does that explain things?

Can you picture this?

Can you picture this scenario. August 2007, Jake is 16 months old, Porter, Juanita and Grace are all adult dogs in the house, Gwen would be 4 months old, the new puppy (not here yet) would be 3 months old and oh yes, there would be a new born baby boy! Yep, you read that correctly, a new born baby boy.

Remember the couple who originally were matched with Jake's bio parents and turned down that match to try using a surrogate? They never could get pregnant that way. They tried adopting again and had one failed situation. I've kept in touch with this gal, "M" is her name since the first time she gave me Jake's bio parents phone number. I think I mentioned a week or two ago that they were matched again with a potential birthmother who seems committed to her adoption plan. They are really excited, it is a boy (they already have a girl, 3-years-old, through adoption) Well, "M" emailed me today and basically said that the potential birthmother they were matched with back in April might have changed her mind back to her adoption plan. Her due date is the same due date (well, 2 days apart) as the potential birthmother that they are committed to. So she emailed me to see if she could pass our information on to this potential birthmother should she decide she wanted to place the baby for adoption.

So without even asking hubby (I got his voice mail) I emailed her back and said of course, YES. But I really doubt anything will come of it. But what if it does? Could you imagine! She would have matched us twice! Eeek. I really don't know what to think. I just assumed Jake would be our only child, that this little miracle was our quota. I know I totally would handle things differently this time around. To be honest I have very mixed emotions about it. I am more excited about this than I would have thought to myself to be. Oh life is never simple or boring around here.

***********************************

As I was finishing this post, hubby called me back. (I had left a message for him). I explained the situation and to be quite honest he wasn't interested. I'm floored.

Disapointed in my disapointment

Do you have a friend in your life that you love a lot, but you have a hard time with them because of the decisions they make? I've got such a friend. She's a fantastic girl, beautiful, great personality, fun to be around, honest, do-anything-for-you, etc. Here's the problem, she's smart, but she makes bad decisions. She'd do anything for you, but she won't do things to help herself. Instead of learning from some big life lessons she seems to just roll through the same mistakes again and again.

Recently my friend directed me to her My Space page. I was floored at the content. I mean floored! The pictures could have been included in most men's magazines, you know the kind of mags that they cover with brown paper.

My friend doesn't seem to want to work, unless it is a job on her terms completely and even then she doesn't seem to last long at a job. She's got two children to support and her fiance is currently unemployed also. They surviving on unemployment, but we all know that doesn't pay all the bills and if so it doesn't pay them for very long. Despite that, she went out and got a big tattoo, a tramp stamp type tattoo. This friend wants to visit her brother who lives out of state but she can't afford to go. She wants to do so many things, but instead she's stuck in the world that she has created for herself.

I want so much more for her than she even probably realizes is available to her. She would be good at so many things if she just got her act together. But what I really want, is to not be disapointed in her. I want to be at peace with her decisions. I want to remember that she is happy, even if it isn't the life that I want for her. I want more for her, because she is Jake's natural mom. She is Jake's natural mom and she is my friend and I need to learn to accept her decisions. It is hard when you see potential being ignored. But, I'm trying.

Happy!

Some days are just perfect....even when you don't do anything special. Today I got my new computer....a MacBook Pro. It's pretty fancy smanshy. Hubby got it for me. Love him!

Then as if that weren't enough, I got a package from Jake's birth mom, "Jill". She sent me a scented handmade bar of soap with the word "Friend" on it and an adorable ceramic sheep figurine (probably the cutest one I've ever seen. She also sent a Teddy Bear, a super soft Teddy Bear for Jake and this card.

I just love that girl!

Our Son

I've come a long way in my thinking about adoption since we started the process. Yesterday was a prime example of how much I've changed. Sometimes the unexpected phone calls or the most mundane moments really show us who we are, or who someone else is.

I was driving home from the livestock auction. Jake was asleep in the back seat snoring away so I decided to call "Jill", Jake's natural mom and see how she was. Our last two phone conversations were way too brief and I was hoping to catch her at a good time. I lucked out and my timing was perfect. We had a really good hour-long conversation, no interruptions from her mother, the kids or her fiance. We laughed and carried on like two old friends. It was like our old conversations before Jake was born, but even better because our history together gave us that much more to talk about. She gave me the run down on the kids. Both of whom or doing very well. I even got to speak to "Pants" on the phone. He is going to be three next month and boy has he changed a lot. He and Jake look a lot alike. Princess is in Kindergarten and is doing pretty well. She is getting more sassy and bossy than ever, especially now that she is in school and comes home feeling very superior over her little brother.

When Jill asked how Jake was doing I said, "Let me tell you about our son". It wasn't our as in mine and hubby's son. It was our, as in her son and my son. It kind of shocked me that I said it. It was natural to say it but at the same time it felt odd to hear it come from my mouth, our son.

I told her about what a terd he had been last Tuesday through Thursday. She thought my description of his tantrums was hysterical. Although he doesn't look like Jill or Jack for that matter, he is built like Jill and he looks like his older brother. He acts just like Jill, actually, since she and I are so much alike in personality he seems just like the both of us.

There is a little more than 10 years in age difference between Jill and I. That is where I see the main difference in us, maturity. But I see so much of myself and how I used to be when I was in my early to mid 20's. Like her I was hot tempered, independent, able to express my likes and dislikes (even if you didn't care what they were). I also loved without reserve (as she does Jack) without worrying about the consequences. I think most early 20-somethings are like that though. But there were so many examples of myself that I saw in her. I so easily could have been in her position. I think what changed my life direction was good parenting, by sober parents. I don't think Jill's parents were sober for most of her childhood and I think some of the decisions she made were because of that. Now both of her parents are sober and doing well. She lives with her mom and they get along pretty well.

There are other similarities between Jill and I that are silly. Like our tastes in foods are very similar. She can get away with eating junk food, so we don't always eat alike. But we both liked the same brands of things like toothpaste, gum, bottled water, the same type of foods, the same way things should be cooked, etc. I've also mentioned on the blog before the pizza story. In case you haven't heard it, the first time we met Jill and Jack in person (2 months before Jake was born) we had gone out to pizza. We (me, hubby, Jack, Jill, Jill's mom and the 2 kids) were sitting eating pizza and Jill's mom started laughing hysterically. She noticed that Jill and I were eating our pizza the same exact way, which isn't the norm to say the least. Even our plates had the same appearance. Here is our method of eating pizza.

1. Place on slice of pizza on your plate and wait for it to cool.
2. Pull off cheese and toppings in one clean section if possible.
3. Scrape off most of the sauce using the right index finger and placing the sauce off to the side of the plate.
4. Smooth out remaining sauce.
5. Replace cheese and toppings (hopefully by sliding them right back on in one piece)
6. Pick off most of the toppings
7. Eat slice of pizza

Jill was in such a good mood yesterday and our conversation was so much fun. We could even laugh about the terrible Labor and Delivery nurse that we both wanted to choke. We laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants driving home. I had to pee really bad before I even left the livestock auction (trust me, that isn't the cleanest place to go potty, especially with a baby - I avoid it at all costs). I told her we must have come a long way to be able to laugh about that stupid nurse who made us both cry not even a year ago.

No, I don't expect Jake will eat pizza like us or do any of the other things she does or I do. Hopefully hearing stories like the pizza eating episode will bring him closer to her. I hope little antidotes like that will allow him to see how much we enjoy and love each other. I hope it will help him to know a little bit more of his life history and make him more comfortable with being an adoptee. My main hope is that it will show him the biggest similarity there is between Jill and I, the love we share for our son.

Nataural/First/Biological/Birth Parents

I called Jill yesterday. Jack answered the phone. It was the first time I've spoken to him since before Jake was born. He sounded really good and comfortable on the phone with me, more comfortable than before Jake was born. Me....not so comfortable. I don't know why, I guess I'm just used to speaking with Jill. She got on the line and we spoke for a few minutes. She told me about the nightmare she had the other night. It was an odd dream, somewhat about adoption. She was in the middle of a game with her mom and asked if she could call me later. Then before we hung up she asked how our doctor's appointment went. I told her it was a complete nightmare, not unlike her dream. She laughed, told me she just has a feeling we will get pregnant. Then I heard her mom in the background say, "it is going to be a girl". Jill then added, and she's going to be a rotten teenager for you. I had to laugh at that. 

When we hung up she said, "I miss you like crazy". I miss her too. We don't have our daily chats anymore, but our conversations are still fun, heartfelt and we talk more often than a lot of people in our situation do. I didn't get home until late so we didn't get to finish our conversation. Hopefully we will talk more this week.

On another forum we had a discussion about what to call the parents of our children. I use natural because I was told Birth mother was hurtful to mothers who place their children for adoption. Then the other day I was on a forum and I used Natural mother and a mother that had placed her child for adoption, reamed me a new one and said, "We are not natural mothers, we are birth mothers or first mothers or biological mothers". You know, some days I just can't win!!!! Jill actually prefers birth mother. Around people who don't know proper adoption terms I tend to use biological followed by natural. Then in the course of the threads on the other forum I had a lot of adoptive mothers tell me they hate it when I used the term Natural. They said it makes them feel un-natural.

It really is a no win situation. I am Jake's mom but I have refereed to myself as Jake's adoptive mom. I am not Jake's natural mom or his un-natural mom. I did not give birth to him, but I am his first mom. Jill was his natural mom, his biology and she gave birth to him. But the term mother in her opinion doesn't really apply other than his biology (nature) and his birth (birth mother). Don't kill the messenger here, I'm just repeating what she said.

What term do most of you use?

If PW...Why.

Thank you for delurking. If you haven't already delurked, please do so. It certainly will help me if/when I go password protected. I am still debating this issue. I might just go PW on all the photos. I must get an email once a week or every two weeks about ICWA issues. For that reason alone I hate to go full PW.

One of the reasons I might go PW is some concern over Jake's biograndmother, Jack's mom. As I've mentioned earlier this month, Jill and Jack have decided to get married and they wanted us to attend the wedding. I have had concerns about this because things are going so well right now with our relationship and we never intended to do in person visits. I felt kind of nervous about changing things. At this age, Jake wouldn't be effected by a visit, but I wondered if our relationship would be different, especially at an event like a wedding. I also had concerns about Jack's side of the family. His dad was extremely supportive of their adoption plan, but his mother and his grandmother were terrible to them. They went well beyond being disappointed, they became cruel to both Jill and Jack and even tried to get the four-year-old involved by saying things about "giving away her baby brother".

Jill called me last week to tell me they had taken a trip to go speak to Jack's family in person and tell them about the wedding. I guess the news went over very well until Biograndma flipped out when she found out that, "Her baby" would be there. She gave Jake a name that isn't Jake. Told Jill that she had a dream about him and his name isn't Jake it is (another name I can't even type because it makes me so mad). She said she will, "never forgive them for giving away her baby" that "she had rights, as a grandma", "that the tribe will help her find him", and the list went on.

Jill was in complete agreement with me that it wouldn't work for us to attend the wedding. I told her that we would be happy to pay for her photographer as a wedding gift. (she wanted me to photograph the wedding). She was very giddy and happy about that. She's not mad that we won't be coming, she is a smart, reasonable girl that completely understands and agrees that it would turn into a mess if we did attend.

I love Jill, but I'm a tad bit upset with her. Not upset enough to mention it to her. But I feel like she stepped provided too much personal information to Jack's mom about Jake and about us. In her defense much of the info she gave was to reassure biograndma that we were not weirdos. But in the process she gave her Jake's first and middle name (not his last). She showed pictures of him to her, which for some reason I have no issues showing hundreds of people on the Internet photos of my son, but the fact that biograndma has seen a photo of him rips my gut open! She also accidentally let on to where we live (city & state). Biograndma knows Jill's best friend lives in our city and Jill mentioned that her best friend spent time with us and lives just down the street. Jill was only trying to reassure biograndma that not only did they they (Jack and Jill) but also Jill's mom and Jill's best friend thought we were good parents for Jake.

Biograndma asked for our phone number and Jill told her no, thank goodness. She also asked to write us a letter because she wanted "D****" (the name she calls Jake) to "know her and know how much she loves him". Then she would fly off the handle and rant about her rights and "her baby". Jill has mentioned to me many times about how there is this odd incestuous relationship between Jack and his mother and sister. They treat him like a boyfriend or husband and not like a son or brother. His sister would get very jealous of Jill and make very odd comments like she was stealing a boyfriend from her. It would gross out both Jill and Jack. Also, Jill hated the way Jack's mom would say, "My baby" or "that's our baby, not yours to give away". She and her mother, great-biograndma would call them, "baby giverawayers".

What makes me a tad uneasy is biograndma & great-biograndmother financially have the means to hire someone to find us. Not that she would, but there is always that little bit of worry in the back of my mind. She also has a serious drinking problem and that makes me believe that she is all talk, no action and that I have nothing to worry about.  I won't loose sleep over this, but when he is older I will always wonder if she might try to contact him without Jill and Jack's permission.

For now I'm going to leave things as they are, check my site meter to see who's coming and going and keep a watchful eye on things. If I do go PW I'll have all your comments that have your email address and the many emails that you have sent so that I can give you all the Password.

I have to say it was really fun to hear from all of you and learn about your stories and how you found this blog. Please, if you haven't delurked, do so and try to comment more often, it makes me feel much more comfortable with handing out passwords!