I debated long and hard about posting about our Christmas evening. My thought on blogging is this, regardless of password protection or not. (Not in my case). Anything you put on the internet you should assume can be and will be read by anyone. With having said that I realize that what I'm about to write could be read by my MIL and SIL. And you know what I'm okay with it.
I have tried very hard to be good with my MIL. I used to think that the core person was a very good person although sometimes she would say things that come off bad or wrong. I'm guilty of that often so I feel a bit of kinship with her in that regard. My SIL has always been fun and sweet. And although she's irked me a few times I have always liked her. I mean who in our lives that means something to us hasn't irked us, it just goes with having a close relationship. I have always said that my SIL is the type of person who would do anything for anyone. I'm now starting to see different sides of both of these women. And it makes me so sad.
We had some thanksgiving drama. Please refer to
this post. I called up my SIL and thought everything was handled. I told her I didn't say what I was accused of saying and apologized for laughing at a statement made by HER mom that upset her. I also said that in the future should she have any issues with me, to just give me a call and save the emails for jokes. The conversation went well, I felt everything was squashed. I noticed shortly after SIL and I spoke ( I had to call her twice - she finally called me back) that MIL started sending me emails again. Could have been coincidence, but I knew it seemed odd to not get any mail from her, then immediately after the phone call get random nice emails. To be blunt, I know they talk about me and discuss things often about us. This was an example of that.
We arrive at SIL's house on Christmas afternoon. Immediately I got the cold shoulder from the step daughter's boyfriend (the one I was accused of criticizing). Honestly I didn't let it bother me, because I didn't do anything wrong. And he seemed to warm up anyway. Everything was going great until we were about ready to eat dinner. Jake was up near some condiment stuff in the buffet line and he reached for the horseradish. I said, "oh no baby, that's spicy". MIL was right there and explained to him nicely that it was spicy. Then she said, "But you can have a taste". She directed him to take his finger and touch the spoon she was holding out. I said, "oh no, he won't like it". She said, "oh he can just have a taste". I said, "No, I don't want him to try it". She tried again, still pushing the spoon towards him. "I said, really, please don't. She said, "he can just try it". I said, "no, I don't want him to try it, we are trying to get him to be a better eater and to experiment with more foods, I don't want to give him something he's not going to like". She said, (while still pushing the spoon towards his finger), "how do you know he won't like it?" I said, "well I suppose I don't know". So she encouraged him again and I said, "really, don't, please". And she said, in a louder voice, "just a taste, how do you know he won't like it?"
This is where I went wrong. You see, up until this point MIL looked like a jerk. Not me. I was handling things well. EVERYONE was around to witness this exchange. But something snapped in me and I got pissed. I got sick of defending my reasons for not wanting my 2 1/2-year-old to try PURE horseradish right before I wanted him to eat a good dinner. So I raised my voice when she interrupted me again with her, "how do you know he won't like it statement" and I said, "Well I think anyone with any reasonable amount of intelligence would realize a 2 1/2-year-old won't like pure horseradish". Yes, I said it and I said it loudly. I was pissed.
Now I won't make excuses. I was rude. I should not have said what I had said. I could have and should have handled it better. I immediately apologized to my MIL. I said, "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it the way it sounded". I put my hand on her shoulder, looked her in the face and apologized again, "really I'm sorry that was rude". I mean I did this the instant the rude remark left my mouth. MIL, not only did she not accept my apology she walked off. I immediately turned to my husband and apologized. He was not happy with me or with MIL. He went outside to deal with her. SIL came over and told me her mom was wrong but that I over reacted. I agreed with her and apologized to her also.
About 10 minutes later hubby calls SIL to come out to the porch to talk with him and MIL. They were out there for a long time. To the point that SIL's husband got upset, called them all inside to finish dinner. I was in NO mood to eat. So I had Jake eat my stuff and then when hubby came back in, he ate what we didn't finish. I moved to the living room to sit and ponder what the heck could have been said. MIL and SIL went about dinner, although I could tell MIL had been crying. I asked hubby what was said. He told me that we could go outside and talk about it or talk about it on the way home. After he got done eating I asked if we could talk about it and he said, "no lets just wait till we leave". I was pissed by this point, wondering why he changed his mind so I said, "well then lets' go NOW". He finally went outside with me and we talked. What I heard did NOT make me happy.
MIL accused me of trying to keep hubby away from her. She said SIL agreed. They also said that they heard me make the statement that upset SIL at thanksgiving. The statement that I DID NOT MAKE. My MIL MADE IT!!!!! To be honest, I wish I had been witty enough to come up with the statement. But I can't take credit for it. But evidently in their warped world I said this. MIL also lied about some other things. She basically accused me of being a terrible person. The one thing that makes me most upset is the statement that I'm trying to keep her and her son apart. This just blew my mind. I started balling. Nothing could be further from the truth. NOTHING. I have encouraged him to call when he didn't want to call her. I picked up mother's day cards and birthday cards for her when he forgot. I kept her secrets that she told me about his father because I knew it would make hubby mad at her for telling me things she shouldn't. I have done a lot to not disturb their relationship. Of all the accusations someone could make against me, that could be the worst.
While I was balling my eyes out trying to figure out how we could just hurry up and leave, BIL comes out. He walks over and gives me a big hug and says, "Don't let them get to you, you didn't do anything wrong. They've been drinking and you can't let them upset you". Hubby chimed in, "well T, it's awful hard to not feel bad when she's got two of them attacking her". It felt so good to have support from my husband and my BIL. It helped me wipe up my tears a tad. I told BIL that I never said a word about his daughter's boyfriend. He said, "I know, it doesn't matter anyway". But it does matter to me. I hate being accused of things I didn't do.
I've stuck my foot in my mouth enough to know that when I screw up it's better to just fess up and apologize. Nothing good comes from denial or from being pig headed when you are wrong. I am really good about admitting when I'm wrong and taking responsibility for my words/actions. There is more pride in getting something handled than there is in running from it or lying about it. If I'm wrong, I admit it. I most certainly don't feel I was wrong on Christmas or at Thanksgiving. I was rude when I snapped back at MIL, but I immediately apologized. I think MIL was rude for ignoring my parenting. She pushed when she shouldn't have. She owes me an apology for trying to have Jake do something I didn't want him to do.
We went back inside so hubby could have desert. I didn't even sit down. I was having a pretty bad contraction. I thought it was because by my maternity pants. (more on that later). Standing felt good and it also let hubby know that I was not interested in staying one minute longer. SIL came over to me and put her arm around me and said, "Oh I know. Just think I get to be around her till she leaves tomorrow". I didn't say a word I just exhaled. SIL had no idea how pissed off I was at her too. She seems to try to play both sides. Hubby thinks she's a bigger shit disturber than his mother is. I'm starting to agree with him.
I didn't know how to leave that night. MIL wouldn't look my way, SIL wouldn't look at me when she was around MIL. Everyone else was in their own little world. I started to cry again and told hubby. "How do we end this"? He said, well, we can just leave". We said goodbye to the nieces and then headed out. BIL came out to the truck and said his goodbyes there. It felt horrible and awkward. Meanwhile I was having my third contraction in 30 minutes.
On the way home hubby and I rehashed the entire conversation he had with his mom and sister. We also rehashed our history with MIL and SIL since basically we were married. I asked him to please let me know if I was wrong on any or all of the things MIL accused me of being a terrible person or saying/doing something wrong. I promised him I would not be upset with him for telling me exactly how he felt and that it was better to get it all out in the open now so that I could make apologies or to just hear his opinion. He said that he agreed with me tonight, but that I shouldn't have raised my voice and that my statement was wrong. But he said his mom was equally as wrong. I agreed with him. He also felt I could have handled something regarding my brother's girlfriend a bit better than I did. I actually don't agree with him on that. But it was nice to know how he felt. It was a great conversation to have. Basically hubby thinks his mom is completely out of line and that his sister is the one that thrives on drama and wanted to disturb things.
I felt terrible both physically and mentally. My uterus was tight but I hadn't had any further contractions since we left SIL's place. As soon as we got home I took off those awful maternity pants. Hubby and I talked some more. My biggest question was "where do we go from here?" We still haven't heard from anyone and we aren't going to be calling them anytime soon. Evidently MIL is thinking about taking her husband back. She just moved out and bought her own place back in mid September, but now they are in counseling once a week. Hubby and I agreed that because of her husband's actions that we will not ever have him in our home, nor will we go to any home they share. So even if MIL does start to talk to us, it isn't going to be the same relationship we had.
I really don't know where to go from here. I know that even though I never believed stress could bring on contractions and preterm labor, I now believe it. My uterus was extremely tight and irritable all the following day. When hubby got home from work on Friday we talked some more about things I had forgotten that MIL has said to me over the past few years that he wanted me to try to remember in case he talks to her again. During the conversation I got upset and had another contraction. As I thought back through the day I realized that every time I got a contraction or my uterus feel extremely tight, it was when I was mentally rehashing the previous day's drama. It was a good wake up call for me to stop stressing and worrying about them. I have far more important people both in my womb and outside of it to take care of. And I can say I had no contractions yesterday (Saturday) and only two today.
So that's the recap on the Christmas drama. I supposed I posted this story more for myself, so that I can remember things should I need to in the future. It is what is now, can't change what's been said or done.
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