Away To Me

Birthday stuff

I'm both sad and disappointed that the birthday party for the babies didn't work out. I'm mad that my dad didn't seem to care, actually seemed happy about it. My brother never bothered to call me back and my mom, where do I start with my mom. She claims she was never putting the friend's birthday party over the babies party. She didn't realize their party was such a big deal and that she was just trying to make everyone happy. Give me a break!

Some times I just want to scream SUCK IT. To people. That makes me laugh to say that!

Anyway, even though we aren't having a party for them I did do an invite. Here's the modified version without the time/date and contact info. I thought it was cute. Love my boys!

Party cancelled

I don't want the hassle, drama or expense. I want to celebrate the day these little boys entered the world without anyone upset about how it is scheduled. I know people will be pissed at me either way. But screw it! Maybe everyone will get their priorities in line by the time Jake's birthday comes around.

My mom did send me an email apologizing. But it was one of those, "you don't understand me, I wasn't putting the friends' birthday ahead of the boys'. yada yada yada" type apologies.

She is who she is and I can't change her. So I've learned to work around her weirdness and enjoy the parts of her I can enjoy.

First Birthday Bash Blowout!

Relatives can suck. My mom for example sucks right now. SUCKS Big time! She called me this morning to tell me that her mom, my grandma, had requested she go to an old family friend's birthday party the week before my boy's birthday party. She then asked if she could come see us and stay the night after that party. (Side note: My mom lives about 5 hours from us and the first party is about 1 hour from our home). So I asked her if she was coming to the boys party which was 5 days later? Oh no of course not, that would be too much. I wanted to clarify that I was hearing things correctly so I asked, "So your going to B's party but your not coming to the boy's birthday party"? I was calm when I asked this, but the question set her off BIG TIME. Her exact response was, "Why do you like to hate me". Oh here we go is all I could think.

The good news is I was always calm, told her I thought her priorities were screwed up. Told her I'd understand more if she couldn't make it down south at all. But what irked me was that she could make it to someone else's party and not to the boy's party. The conversation basically ended with her playing martyr and telling me, "I'll be there" and hanging up.

Honestly, between hubby's family not being involved, my mom being a twit, my dad being grumpy lately and not wanting to drive at night, I've really just about had it. Frankly I'm seriously considering just not having a party with anyone. Just the five of us and some cake! The boys won't care and really I can get great birthday pictures for their memory books without the drama of family. I really don't know.

This mama can't seem to avoid drama.

There has been a lot of drama in our lives, particularly with family. We have been very lucky to avoid most of it. In fact, a lot of it we didn't even know about till recently and it happened weeks ago. This is a good thing. Unfortunately it also means my hubby has some guilt about not being involved with his family (the drama experts). I feel so badly for my hubby, he's such a caring, giving man. He is not the drama type at all. He also puts his family (me and the kids) first. I don't wish to be unkind or seem unkind, because it is not that I don't have compassion for them. It's that I don't have compassion for unnecessary or unneeded drama that is caused intentionally to fill some other void in their lives. I want to tell them to take all the time they spend on drama and go volunteer and help someone who has real problems. 

The latest drama involves a close family member supposedly trying to commit suicide and another member using drugs after many years of sobriety. Now, these same family members are hosting Thanksgiving and asking us to attend. Ya, I think not. I have not discussed this with hubby yet. I am not sure how he's going to take all of this.

In my family, we had real drama yesterday. My dad's cousin and best friend, a man I've known more like an uncle than "dad's cousin" died unexpectedly. My dad is very upset. In fact, he's more upset than I've ever known him to be. He can hardly talk to me on the phone. He said, other than loosing one of his kids or grandkids, he can't imagine a worse pain. My dad is not the drama type at all. He handles life circumstances very well. His emotions and the degree that he is showing them is a shock to me. I feel so badly for him. 

I do not like it one bit when the men in my life are hurting. Today my dad is hurting. My hubby will also be hurting this Thanksgiving when we can't be with his family. It all just sucks.

MIL vent ... again.

Well, the issue with my MIL has not ended. In fact I think it is at its all time worst. I really have no respect for her and I don't care for her anymore. Sad. I really did like her and enjoyed her company and thought the world of her. But now I see how she's treated me, the things she said to me, about me and about our kids and I have to wonder if she's been like this the whole time and I was blinded by my love for my husband or if she's changed.

I've always known she's prone to say dumb things. Like the time she told Hubby's (then 11-year-old niece) who didn't want to go to a grandparent's funeral that, "when I die I'm going to come back an haunt you". She was trying to pressure the little girl into going to the funeral. So stupid and hurtful.

She's said many things to me and most of the time I consider not her words, but her meaning. Like did she mean to be mean or was she just not careful with her wording. The other day she came to visit the boys and she said something that burned my butt. And it got my husband's attention too. While she was holding one of the babies she claimed he was far better looking than his brother. She then caught herself and said, "oh I shouldn't have said that". To which hubby replied "that was rude and NO you shouldn't have said that".

The reason I pretended to ignore her statement was so that I could let hubby handle it. I wanted him to deal with her. I'm sick of dealing with her. Her visit was so miserable for me that I've decided no more visits for awhile. I don't know how she's going to handle this news and frankly I don't care. I've gone above and beyond in the trying to get along department and I've had it. I need to have less stress in my life and her visits are annoying and stressful. She actually caused a fight between hubby and I. We very rarely fight. 

Hubby admitted that if anyone else on earth spoke to me and treated me the way MIL did he'd never let them near me. So why I ask, does a mean MIL get a free pass? Because she's his mom and he needs her. And I respect that. But I'm not willing to be treated poorly because of it. So for now we are going to have her back off and hope some time will help heal the wounds. 

The sucky thing is I'm wanting to have a birthday party for Jake, but since I don't want her around I'm going to have a birthday party for him on Easter when my family is here and then not do an official birthday party for him.

And despite how wonderful she treats Jake, part of me is really angry that she is visiting these boys so often. She never made this much of an effort to see Jake. I think she's been a really good grandma to Jake and I've not seen her act oddly to him, but the mother bear in me is watching her closely. 

I'm alive

I have a sore throat and I'm not feeling very well. Better today than I was yesterday.  Being awake 20 out of 24 hours is not easy. Especially when you don't get the four hours of sleep in one consecutive session.

Babies are getting about 90% breastmilk. Night time is tough and I've been a bit lazy and have been feeding one extra formula feeding so that I don't have to pump one session. It has helped my sanity a bit. 

My mom was a great help. She left yesterday and while I was glad to get our lives back on our schedule I was also sad to see her go. It was probably the nicest visit I've had with her. She spent 99% of her time with Jake. Playing with him, taking him to the park, helping him with all the little things that he needed help with. It allowed me to spend extra time with the babies and our breastfeeding quests.

Today I have another meeting with my midwife for some help with breastfeeding. Nathan still will not latch. My right nipple is a jerk, not cooperating at all. Wesley is latching and feeding well. Wish we could spread out his feedings better. He will nurse for a looooooong time and then be hungry 20 minutes later. This is very frustrating. It doesn't happen all the time. Last night however, he was nursing 40 minutes out of an hour and wanting back on the boob 30 minutes later!

Okay, that's about all the update I have the energy to give. I'm off to make some hot tea and hope my throat heals and my head clears. Being sick is not fun with twin newborns and trying to breastfteed.

New Go-To Guy

My brother to the rescue. Uncle Greg is now our go to guy. He called yesterday afternoon. (I do believe my guilty feeling dad called bro to see if he could mend the fences).

I swear my brother is so on board with helping out he was ready to bring fresh towels and boil water! LOL! He even came over today to hang with Jake and I. He's been layed off for a few weeks and he's staying quite a bit with his girlfriend who lives 30 minutes from us. It is no problem for him to come over at a moment's notice to take care of Jake. And his girlfriend who is a daycare director has about 6 weeks of vacation time built up so she's able to help too! So we have a back up plan in place.

Today I'm feeling pretty pregnant. I woke up with some back pain and feeling sort of crampy, like menstrual type cramps. I took a warm bath and read books to Jake while he played along side the tub. My darling boy is being so cooperative. Then he took a bath and I read him more books and sat down for awhile. It gave me about 45 mins of down time. 

Then we actually went and watched cartoons in my room for an hour and 20 mins. It was heaven! My boy must have known I was feeling owie, cause he was very calm and cool today. The best part was uncle Greg coming over later and do boy things so Jake really got to get some energy out!

Tomorrow I have a NST and an OB appointment.

Spoke to my dad

First, I have to say, my dad really would do anything in the world for me and my family. Seriously, he thinks Jake and hubby walk on water and I'm a very close second. No matter what I did wrong in my teen years or even my adult life, my dad has always told me he loved me. He never gave up on me and he has always been able to be honest with me and tell me when he's disappointed in me. He's a great day, a good guy and really the best grandpa our kids could ever hope for. 

So I called him, told him he let me down. He seemed a bit confused. He seemed to think I would be giving birth the first part of March. (He may be right). I gave him a bad time, told him I was upset, shocked and hurt but that I'd get over it. He felt horrible. He immediately said he was going to cancel his trip. I told him nope, won't change anything for me, as I'm still going to be hurt and mad about it. I did tell him I hoped he had a healthy guilty conscious during his cruise and asked if I could send him a post card with his new grandson's photos. LOL! 

Honestly, sometimes I think he doesn't "get it". He's not a bad guy and he really would do anything in the world for me. Knowing that sure makes it easy to not stay mad at him and to forgive him of his stupid timing. He just doesn't think sometimes and scheduling isn't a strong point for many guys. But this one takes the cake. He tends to remember what he wants. Basically he said, "But I thought you didn't want anyone at the hospital?" To which I responded, if I have to go to the hospital, we discussed you being there for Jake, last week we discussed this, do you remember?" I think it all came back to him at that point. I said hopefully I won't need to go to the hospital and won't need you. He said, "Your still planning a homebirth". Oh geeze dad! So we had to have that discussion, which, do to his guilt he actually listened to me this time. LOL! 

I do want him to take his trip. I'll figure out a second plan. Besides, he is only necessary if something goes wrong. And I'm not counting on anything going wrong. I have my brother who stays with his girlfriend quite a bit who is 45 mins away from me or if he is at his house he is only 1 1/2 hours away. Jake loves Uncle Greg and Greg just got layed off so he can come and sit with Jake if we have an emergency. It's not like I don't have options. I could also call my mom but she's nearly 5 hours away, but she'd make the trip. Our local baby sitter has said she'd be able to come at a drop of a hat and stay with Jake until family could arrive. She's great and Jake loves her so it's not like I'm stranded for help. 

But my dad is the one I trust the most and being pregnant and hormonal makes even simple things harder. Feelings are hurt easier, frustrations rise to the surface faster, anger lingers longer, etc. But I'm okay and my dad really is a good guy. We talked for an hour, he apologized and listened to me and surprisingly never got upset or defensive like I assumed he would. He still hopes I make it to March 1 or 2. That would be nice for the babies! 

He offered to watch Jake this week I said, "Oh that would be great, unless of course you need to pack for your cruise". LOL! Humor helps everything. So, I'm disappointed but I'm okay. Hopefully there will be no issues and we won't need to worry about any of this. 

Of course it couldn't last.

And of course, my stellar morning had to end. I got home from picking up Jake from school only to read an email from my dad. 

My dad is our "go to guy" in the event of an emergency. He's the only person we trust Jake with overnight and such. He and Jake get along really well and it is comforting for me to know dad is on board and available. Dad lives less than 2 hours from us and because he is retired he can come and stay the night here with Jake and take him to school and such. We have the awesome local baby sitter, the retired lady who can come over at a moments notice. But for an overnight stay, dad's our guy. 

Well I guess he's not as available as I thought. He's booked a week long cruise and is leaving on Feb 21. I'm shocked to say the least. 

Hope nothing goes wrong. That's about all I can say. I know he thinks I'm due in early March, but I thought I've explained to him enough times that twins can come and mostly do come a bit early. Oh well!

I'm hurt and confused. Even my hubby said it was odd and didn't sound like my dad. His email said, "I know the timing is bad, but the price was too good to pass up. Let me know if you want me to come watch Jake this week".

I've called and left a message for him to call me. I really am shocked. 

Very Happy Morning

It started with Jake crawling into bed with me first thing this morning, giving me a hug and then noticing my lotion on the side table he asked if he could "put lotion on the babies". Let me tell you, NOTHING feels better than having your belly rubbed with lotion first thing in the morning by a very happy sweet 2 1/2 yo boy! While that was happening, hubby was in the kitchen cleaning up last night's dishes and dinner mess that I was too tired to do last night! How amazing is that!

Then Jake put me into hysterical laughter as we were getting into the car to go to school. He was sort of fooling around not getting into his car seat, jumping off the truck seat onto to the floor, etc.

Me: "Jakey, pay attention and get into your chair."

Jake: "Why?"

Me: "Because I'm too pregnant to lift you!"

Jake: "Cool!" 

I could not stop laughing.

I came home from dropping Jake off. No errands to run, no doctor's appointments to go to. Just home. The dishes were done and I was just home with no pending chores. So I got back in bed for an hour and a half! Then I woke up and ate an obscene amount of left over lasagna from last night. And now as I type this, I'm drinking a glass of milk and eating chocolate cake.

Can I just say, left over lasagna and chocolate cake for breakfast makes for a very happy pregnant woman. And I was already very happy to begin with.

Do you think my day could stay this awesome! I sure hope so.