(This post was written over the course of 4 days. Sorry it is so long, but I wanted to write down some of the details down before I forgot them).
I've held off writing this post until I was feeling better about how the delivery went down. I've come to terms with things as best as I think I'm ever going to come to terms with it. The bottom line is we made the best decision we could based on advice from doctors as well as common sense. I'm not 100% happy with the decision based on hind sight, but I know that at the time the decision was made, I didn't have the benefit of hind sight.
On Tuesday, Feb 17 I had an Ultra Sound appointment. We knew Nathan (Aka: Lefty) was still small, but the U/S Tech was a tad more hush mouthed about the details. This was an automatic red flag for me. But I was less worried when she came back into our room and told us that the neonatalogist and the radiologist said they reviewed the u/s and that we could leave. They knew we had an appointment with the OB first thing the following morning as well as a non-stress test so I figured if there was a problem I'd know by the following day.
Wednesday morning I went to my OB appointment bright and early. The receptionist informed me that I had an appointment with the neonatalogist the following morning across the street at the hospital. This was news to me and it was a huge red flag. I asked my OB to have a copy of the previous day's u/s report. The news disturbed me greatly. After her examination I asked her to see if I could meet with the neonatalogist that day instead of the following morning. The u/s report indicated that Nathan was not growing and had in three weeks time fallen from the 13th percentile to the less than 5th percentile. My OB called the neonatalogist and he got me in right away.
While waiting for the Neo doc I had a non-stress test. Things were great. Both boys showed normal good activity and I had no contractions. That made me feel confident that I would be allowed to go farther into the pregnancy without any doctor interventions. Boy was I wrong.
So the Neo doc, "Dr. Blockhead" had the bedside manner of a prison guard. He was very quick speaking, didn't believe me when I told him the "small baby" was in fact the presenting baby, even though he was labeled as "baby B" and he just made me feel uneasy. After he explained to me that they had seen Nathan fall off the growth chart to dangerous levels he said, "where is your family". I said, "my husband is at work. Why"? I was waiting for horrid news at this point. I was actually relieved when he said, "Well we'd like you to head over to labor and delivery and have these babies right now". I was floored, but glad he wasn't giving me horrible news about Nathan.
At this point I started asking questions. Why would he fall off the charts? How accurate are the measurements via ultra sound? Why do we not look at the results of the NST and the doppler that shows normal heart rates, activity, blood flow etc. And my final questions, "what is so wrong with letting him stay put another week if I was able to come in for NST and dopplers". His answer stopped me cold. "Still born baby".
No mommy wants to hear those words. Especially someone who has had trouble envisioning two real life babies in her arms throughout her entire pregnancy. I had had this horrible feeling that I'd only have one baby, for months. So when the doctor said, "still born baby" it caught my breath and ripped it from my throat.
I'm an intelligent person. I know ultra sound measurements can be way off. But in looking at the results of the previous 6 ultra sounds one thing was clear, Nathan's numbers always declined. (except when he went from the 10th to 13th percentile). Wesley's numbers had always been good, getting higher most every month, or dropping minimally. His lowest growth rate was 33rd percentile. These numbers and estimates came with three different ultra sound techs and three different ultra sound machines. There consistency alarmed me.
Faced with the doctor's advice and my own ability to read the ultra sound reports it was a no brainer to be induced. I left the meeting with the doc, called hubby as I drove home and made arrangements for my dad and brother to come stay with Jake.
I was upset, but not because of the homebirth. I was upset because I was worried about my babies. I was scared about how it was all going to pan out. I cried my eyes out.
After arriving at the hospital I was told by the doctor on call that I would be forced to have an epidural. It was "standard" for twins. That really pissed me off. My greatest fear about a hospital birth was an epidural. I had a horrible past experience with a spinal tap and I did NOT want an epidural, especially after I was assured it wasn't standard procedure for twin births when we toured the hospital a few months before. I nearly left the hospital at that point. I was so mad. I was so scared. It just felt wrong. I declined the epidural and basically asked the doctor if he was going to refuse to deliver me if I refused the epidural. At which point hubby asked if we could have some time to talk. The doc left and about 20 minutes later the anesthesiologist came in. She was nice, asked if she could explain things to me and assured me it wouldn't hurt me. I wasn't buying it and although I was nice to her, I was still wanting to leave, but the neo doc's words, "Still born baby" kept replaying in my head.
Finally the high risk doctor on call (different than the doc that would have delivered me) came in. His name was Dr. O. I had seen him once before and I really, really liked him then. He was kick back and calm and super easy to listen too. It had been explained to me that if I wanted a vaginal birth they were not willing to do it without me having an epidural. Dr. O basically said, that was not 100% true, that they couldn't force me to have one. It was nice to have some honestly. He also said that if I was to have a C-section under general anesthesia than hubby wouldn't be allowed to be in the room. He said that I may want an epidural because inductions can be so hard. He said I could labor for 24 hours or more. To which I replied, "I thought we had to get this baby out ASAP"? He said, "that would be ideal, I wish you were open to a c-section as this is a very serious matter". At that point I asked him to check my cervix and see if I was favorable for an induction. I told him before he checked me, "I know I'm not ready, I know I could go another 2 weeks before I deliver". Dr. O checked me and chuckled. He said, "well your right about that. You are like Fort Knox, we will need heavy artillery to get you going". At that point I shocked my husband and the doctor and I said, " I want a c-section".
I just knew it was going to be the safest way to get my boys out and the quickest way for me to be done with all of this decision making and worry. I'm tough, I can handle a spinal for my babies' health. And honestly, once I made up my mind to do it, I was at peace. I used my hypnobabies lessons to help me get through the actual spinal. The anesthesiologist was wonderful. She talked me through it and mentioned to me that for someone who was so afraid I was doing extremely well. I shed not one tear, and my heart rate remained pretty calm. I was determined to make the best out of the situation. I even joked with the OB that had the unfortunate job to tell me I needed an epidural earlier that evening.
I handled the operation pretty well. I got very nauseous but the anesthesiologist kept giving me meds via IV to stop that. I learned after the third bout of dry heaves to ask for the meds right away instead of trying to tough it out. Hubby was by my side, but he was very quiet. I was trying so hard not to throw up that I didn't have much to say.
First out was Nathan. He screamed instantly. They held him out over the drape and showed him to me for a brief second. My first words were, "Oh my gosh he looks just like you" (to hubby).
Wesley followed after a few minutes of tugging and pulling. Evidently he was up super high and required them suctioning him out. Pisses me off to even think about it. The doctor actually got blood splashed into his eyes trying to get Wes out. So now he has to have monthly HIV and HEP B tests for six months and they had to draw more blood from me.
The first words out of my mouth were, "Wow, he looks like me".
Because Wes was always the bigger baby I never really worried about him. So I didn't even think about it when he wasn't crying. Scary thing is, Wesley was the one that needed help breathing. He spent about 4 hours in recovery. I didn't get to see him until he was about 5 hours old.
Nathan came to me after about an hour. I was doing well in recovery. I was thirsty and my eyes and nose itched terribly after the meds they gave me during delivery. Nathan was with me when I was taken to the "mothers & babies" ward. It was amazing holding him but I was worried about Wesley. Hubby was going back and forth between Wesley and back to our room to update me. He was doing well he kept telling me. I kept thinking, if he was doing that well he'd be with me right now.
I must say, I was super pissed and super happy about the weights of the boys. Nathan was 5 pounds 8 ounces and the estimated him at only 4 pounds 2 ounces. That irked me and delighted me. Wesley was 6 pounds 10 ounces but it scared me to death that he had trouble breathing. It all seemed so unfair to them. Given how big they were and how healthy Nathan was, it all seemed like a mistake to take them from my body so soon.
Finally Wesley was with Nathan and I. At that point I felt like I could sleep. This is my favorite picture. This picture makes me cry every time I look at it. (you can see how red my eyes and nose are from the itchy meds)
I had my boys. They were pre-mature, but they were safe, alive, healthy and in my arms. And that in the end was what matters.
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