Away To Me

Happy Birthday Sweet Nathan!

 
 
 You are the tiniest little baby I've ever been around. That's not saying much because I haven't been around lots of babies, but you really are tiny. Yesterday at your doctor's appointment you weighed 17 pounds 8 ounces and you were 27 3/4" tall. According to the experts that puts you around the 22nd percentile. In honor of your birthday you had your first tooth finally come poking through yesterday morning. I can't believe you didn't get a tooth till the day before your first birthday!

You may be small but there is a whole lot of baby in that tiny frame. You look more like your daddy, but your temper and your ability to know what you want I'm sure comes from me. You are not easily distracted or redirected. You are very determined. Not to take anything away from your brothers, but at this stage of development you are extremely smart. Seriously, you are one of the smartest babies I've ever been around. You pick up on things so quickly. We can't dare try to hide something in front of you. Example, putting the TV remote under the covers or pillows, results in your screaming and clawing to get it. We can hand you something else, but it won't do, you'll not give up no matter how many distractions we send your way.

When you watch daddy get ready for work in the morning you wait till he puts his socks and shoes on and then you start to wave at him. You know he's about to leave! You have the cutest little open close hand wave and  your face crinkles up in an adorable toothless smile (that little first tooth still isn't' showing yet).

I believe you are going to be walking before Wesley. You love pushing the laundry basket around like an old man pushes a walker down the halls of the hospital. You shuffle behind it grinning like a little mad man. I purchased you a toy that replicates the laundry basket and has more bells and whistles, cause frankly, I needed the laundry basket back.

You like bath time, but mostly I think you like the snuggle time after bath. You are a snuggler! You love to crawl over to mommy and lay your head on my lap. You are still nursing about 3 times a day, sometimes more. You aren't able to fall asleep well without nursing quite yet, which makes a date night for dad and I difficult, but we have the rest of our lives to go on dates, I'm enjoying spending the evening with you and your brothers or we make sure we get home in time for your bedtime.

You are practically a vegetarian. You like to eat, but you prefer veggies over meat most of the time. Unless I cook my carna asada, then you go nuts because I marinate it in lots of lime juice which you like. You love you some cheese! I'm pretty careful about not giving out too much dairy, but you could live on cheese if you needed to doesn't matter what kind or what form, cheese sticks, string cheese, cottage cheese, goat cheese, you love it all. You also love fruit, especially avocado. I think you eat at least a half an avocado 4 days a week. It's good brain food!

You sleep through the night most nights. Your night terrors seem to have vanished, although every once in awhile you have them. You are not a great napper. You probably miss a nap twice a week. Boy there is heck to pay when you don't take a nap. You can be a bear to deal with. Your tantrums are amazing and scary to watch. Your favorite way to tantrum is to wait till my hands are full or I'm super busy and then you throw yourself face first onto the tile floor. You do this from a kneeling position. About twice a month you give yourself a bloody nose. Nothing like a bloody faced baby to get my attention. The bruises around your forehead are lovely too. You really look like you went a few rounds with a MMA fighter! A week before your birthday I took a sweatshirt off over your head and the zipper of it scratched your face. I felt so bad I cried. But it didn't seem to hurt you.

Yesterday when the nurse did a finger prick test to draw blood, you never cried. You seem to have a high pain tolerance, but not a lot of patience. For the record, you totally take after me in that regard.

You and Wesley both love to tear my kitchen apart and I let you do it at least twice a day. I love to watch you guys pull out all the tupperware and then open the drawer that has the tinfoil, plastic bags and parchment paper. Wax paper was great until you discovered  how much noise the parchment paper makes. You love to unroll yards of it and then crawl all over it scrunching it up and waving it around over your head.

Tonight we will celebrate your birthday with a nice dinner and your birthday cake. I've decided that just because you are a twin, doesn't mean you can't have your own birthday cake. So unless you tell me you want to share one, you each will always have your own cake.

Happy first birthday sweet Nathan. Thank you for being my son and making me so happy. I love you and your brothers more than you'll ever know. You've made my life so much richer and happier than words can express.

Mmmmm Watermelon

Nathan might not have been thrilled bout bananas, but watermelon was a hit. As was toast when we were out breakfast this morning. 

Crying Out - Not Crying It Out.

I don't believe in crying it out for babies. Some of the people I love and respect the most as parents, do believe in it and I'd trust them to watch my children and care for my children, but on this subject we have different opinions. 

It is abundantly clear however, that what I've been doing for the past 5 1/2 months has not worked. Clearly, there needed to be a change. I purchased the No Cry Sleep Solution book. I liked a lot of it and tried it. Now, I realize you have to give something a chance to work. And I should have used the techniques in this book a full two weeks to work, but I didn't. I'm not a good scheduler and frankly, I don't know how anyone can have multiple age children and still stick to a strict schedule for any length of time. I'm lucky, my kids all are all little, so I wasn't compromised as much as some people who might try this book. And I'm sure there are more creative, more disciplined people than I who are able to make it work. Me, not so much. So for me, the book didn't work the way it should because I didn't use it the way it is to be used.It was not a fit. But I do think highly of the book and would recommend it to someone looking for some help.

So where does that leave me? Do I continue to wake up and soothe my babies with breast or pacifier all night long? Or, do I just let them cry it out?Or is there a third option?

There had to be a third option. They need to learn to soothe themselves. Who better to teach them than me? I'm up anyway. I love them to pieces and want them to have this skill. So my goal was/is to teach my babies to self sooth.

My sweet Natey sleeps about 1 hour to 1 1/2 hour and then awakes screaming. Part of his issue I'm sure is his reflux, which is not severe, but I imagine it doesn't have to be severe to be annoying. So Nathan has been sleeping in bed with me the past 3 weeks. Hubby sleeps in Jake's room. I prop Nathan up on a firm pillow, next to me and I think that has helped with his reflux issue a lot. He's still waking up often, but he's not waking up screaming frantically like he was before. But he just can not go back to sleep without sucking something. I was giving him the breast or the pacifier and letting him suck for a few moments, the gently removing, then he'd drift off to sleep. I swear, it was not more than 10 seconds of sucking and he'd be to sleep again. It was like hitting a light switch. But the problem was, he could not go to sleep without that. And he won't keep a pacifier in his mouth. So every hour or so, I was up, helping Nathan sooth. 

It had to stop! So, starting last Thursday night I decided to allow the boys to cry, but not by themselves. I was there, to hold them, talk to them and soothe them but without the boob, without the pacifier and without getting out of bed and walking around. 

The first night Wesley slept pretty well, he woke a few times early in the night, but settled right down. Wesley sleeps in his Pack N Play, swaddled and in a sleep wedge. At around 3ish he woke and was obviously awake because he was hungry, so I nursed him. Easy.

Nathan, not so easy. First, I think there are some genetics involved with Nathan's inability to sleep or sooth himself. For years my mom has told me about what a nightmare I was as a baby regarding falling asleep or staying asleep.  Paybacks a bitch!

Nathan woke up about an hour after I put him down and I patted his back and spoke softly to him. The screaming got louder. I put my headphones on and listened to my opera music and classical latin guitar, trying to help me through this trial. I spoke softly, rubbed his head, patted his bottom. The screaming continued. After 2 or 3 minutes, I stopped speaking words, I just shusshed and hummed and patted his bottom. Occasionally I'd say "sleep Nathan" very quietly. After about 10 minutes of patting, stroking and humming, I just put him in the crook of my arm and held him and let him scream. I was not going to give into his screaming, but I was not going to let him do this alone. 

I felt horrible. Here I had the power to stop his crying, within 30 seconds, if I just pulled out the boob, but I was denying him it. I know rationally that I would be wrong, to give in but I felt like this was crying it out. Is it crying it out? My friend Camille has assured me it was not since I was there soothing him (but I didn't get this confirmation from her until many days later).  Finally after about an hour and a half, he fell back asleep. But 45 minutes or so later, he was up again. Screaming bloody murder, while I once again, spoke softly, patted gently, kissed cheeks often, and stroked his head. He fell back asleep about 45 minutes or so later and slept for about 2 hours. When he woke up at that point, I nursed him. The moment I heard him start to cry, I put him to the breast quickly. I was trying to not allow him to get the boob due to crying. I knew by what time it was, that it was the time of night when he sincerely is hungry, so I felt it was appropriate to feed him. After he nursed, he slept for another 2 hours and then woke up, but he settled down in my arms after only about 10 minutes of my soothing. 

Friday night was much of the same. I think he had one period of screaming/crying that was nearly 2 hours. But the other times of the night that he woke, he settled within 20 minutes or less. I figured out that if I wait about 4 or 5 minutes into his tantrum and then turn him on his side, he slows down or stops crying. 

Saturday night was better. He still woke up as often, but he didn't stay awake as long. Wesley was up a lot more, but he soothes much quicker. Both boys are nursing twice a night, (never at the same time) which I hope I can get down to once each per night in the next few weeks.

Last night was Nathan's best night yet. He woke up less often, probably ever 2 hours and he settled much quicker. I'd say he was asleep within 10 minutes or less after he'd wake up and a few times I didn't even need to touch him, he'd start to turn on his side almost immediately and fall back asleep. I don't think he woke up more than 5 times last night. Wesley however, had a bad night. But that was not the norm so I'm not panicked about it.

Bottom line is, I'm not getting much more sleep, but my babies are learning to sooth themselves. I'm going to keep the same sleep arrangements and the same pattern going for at least another two weeks. I feel like this is something that has to be done. I was really hoping to have them sleeping through the night by six months. But that is obviously not going to happen. Maybe by seven months. I'll start cutting down the night nursing sessions next week. For now they can nurse twice a night. I think if they learn to sleep deeply they won't want to nurse as often. The non-sleeping habit is hard to break.

I do feel like I'm doing the best I know how to do. I hated and still hate to hear the crying at night. I'd love to just toss a pacifier or boob in his mouth and fall back to sleep myself. but that is only a temporary fix. Besides, I'd hate to back track and make all the tears the past week account for nothing. It would be such a waist. 

So there is my crying-not-crying-it-out pan. Wish us luck, we need it!

Made an Appointment

I made an appointment for Nathan to see the pediatrician. We go in Monday afternoon. Something is not right with him. If he were not a twin, I might have done this sooner. But I think one of the regretful aspects of mothering twins is that I lump both babies together as one healthy group. They are both eating well, gaining weight, meeting milestones, etc. But Nathan is different. 

Nathan is not happy at night. He never sleeps long and his longest sleep sessions happen while he's in the swing. I'm beginning to think that it's not the motion of the swing that is helping him, but rather the sitting up part. The swing positions him a little more upright than flat on his back.  I wonder if he has a little reflux issue. He doesn't spit up often, but just a bit ago, I noticed he spit up when he was napping. He was laying against my thigh as I was sitting in bed reading and then he woke up abruptly and did his normal frantic scream. I looked down and he was spitting up and it was the harsh smell spit up, stomach acid smell. The volume wasn't a lot, but he seemed scared and uncomfortable. I picked him up quickly and cuddled him and within a few seconds he seemed fine. Wesley spits up from time to time, but it's just extra milk and it doesn't have that acidic smell. 

Another issue we have with Nathan is his nose. He always gets a plugged up nose at night. We swab it with stuff, squirt saline spray and keep the humidifier going next to his crib, but he's always stuffed up and I can hear the nose it makes and it wakes him up. It startles him awake some times, making him seem frantic for help. We mentioned this to the pediatrician and she said that's about all that can be done. But I'm going to have to push her on this more. 

My mommy instinct tells me that something is wrong here. I don't know if it's fixable in the near future, but I do know, that crying out won't help him, and teaching him the bad habit of not sleeping is not going to help him either. We need to make a change and starting with the pediatrician and possibly a pediatric ENT doc might be our first steps.   We let both boys fuss it out over the past week, but it didn't work with Nathan. He just gets hysterical and louder and I don't know how long he'd go on screaming, but I can tell you this, the kid showed no signs of slowing down any time soon. And talking to him and rubbing his tummy made it worse. Ignoring him just made him cry in intervals. It was horrid. Last night I refused to let him fuss. When he would wake up I'd make sure he was really awake, then I'd nurse him, then burp him and lay him back down. He was up ever 45 mins to 1 1/2 hours. I was up 8 times with Nathan and 3 times with Wesley last night. It was terrible.

Tonight's plan is to have hubby sleep in Jake's room so that I can have the whole bed to myself with the babies. I'll put Nathan in bed with me and try it all over again. I'm hoping he'll feel some security with that arrangement and maybe sleep longer stretches. He's so good about falling asleep, both boys are actually. When we first start the bedtime routine, I nurse them, burp them, talk to them for a bit and hang out and then when they are tired, but not yet asleep we put them in their cribs and within 5 mins both are sleeping. No fussing, nothing, just some happy babble and then out. So I just don't get why middle of the night wake ups are such a huge screaming deal. It makes no sense.  Both boys wake up in the morning happy too! If it is daylight, Nathan never screams, he has a huge grin on his face and he stretches and seems so relaxed. Maybe he's afraid of the dark. Night light on tonight!  

Sorry this post seems so disjointed. I wrote part of it, then had to do something, then wrote some more, took a nap, etc. So it's taken me all day to finish it. LoL!

Nathan Sleeping