Away To Me

I'm seriously annoyed by nearly everyone today

It could just be hormones, or it could be that people are just rude or don't think. 

There was a thread entitled "Circumcision". Then inside the question was, "when do they do it". There were plenty of responses to when these people had their sons' circumcised. I simply wrote, "We opted not to. Not preaching to you at all, but do your research" And then to make sure it was all good, I had little wink emotiocon inserted.

The next f'ing poster wrote, "This isn't a discussion about contemplating circumcision. She's obviously already made the decision to do it and was asking when it is typically done." 

So because I'm already completely annoyed with people I wrote: "You obviously didn't read my post clearly when I said, NOT preaching to you." Yes, I know bitchy but I don't care. Maybe she didn't know she had options in this regard. I wasn't lecturing, just stating what we did and telling her to do her research. Maybe she has and that is fine if that is her decision for her family. I make no judgments on that. 

I am avoiding blogs that are dealing with miscarriage or other subjects that I just don't need to know about. Unless there is something specific that I NEED TO KNOW in order to avoid disaster, please don't tell me about it. This process is nerve wracking enough. I don't need any warnings about things out of my hands. 

Hopefully I'll have a nicer, more happy post later in the day. Geeze I'm not liking the way I feel today. CRABBY. 

Pregnancy Forums

Wow never thought I would make it to such a place, but it looks like I have made it to pregnancy forums. It keeps me busy reading about all the wonderful moments I hope I can expect. It also worries me and stresses me a bit when I read about miscarriages and other not-so-wonderful threads.

I avoid threads about "Any young single moms want to join me?", or "How did you deal with your unexpected pregnancy".  I also avoid some of the miscarriage threads, because there is really no reason for me to worry myself more than I already am. The one pregnancy board I am on is an off shoot of a fertility forum and I try to stick to the Pregnant after Medical treatment section. That seems to be a bit safer.

Today I made a mistake of posting a question about twins on the multiples forum. I guess you aren't supposed to post there unless you are a confirmed pregnant with multiples mom. You can' ask a question there without receiving mocking or patronizing answers. To be honest, it floored me. Normally I'd be either super pissed off or laugh hysterically at their behavior. But I think pregnancy hormones are in full effect because I was surprisingly hurt. I was shocked, embarrassed and sad. I didn't realize I was being mocked until some kind lady PM'ed me to let me know I was being mocked. And by the reaction of two of the posters to my thread after I called them on it.... it was obvious that I was being mocked. 

After 4 1/2 years trying to get pregnant, I don't deserve to be mocked when I have a legitimate question. I'm not speculating, I'm not romanticizing multiples, I'm asking about showing earlier with twins. Or could it be cysts, or did you have any inclination that it was twins, cause really I think it is a singleton. Frankly my belly is huge, and not bloat huge, like real low huge. My pregnancy book said that a normal uterus is the size of a plumb but by week 5 it has grown to the size of a large apple. I was wondering if the blood flow for twins was greater and therefor you uterus would be larger. Seriously, I have a pooch and it isn't just fat. I lost 24 pounds prior to this IVF cycle (since Dec) and I know my jean shorts are fitting me differently this week over last Saturday.

Anyway, I guess pregnant women are no different than other women in there catty behavior at times. It is a shame that such a special time in our lives, such an amazing privilege, the ability to carry a child doesn't soften some of their tongues and fingers when they reply on messages boards. 

Stupid Troll Nurse from Hell

Yesterday hubby Jake and I head out for breakfast. Hubby was working from home since he didn't get in until 1am the night previous so we figured we would take advantage of a nice breakfast out. We were about midway through our breakfast when I see her. The troll nurse that was the cause of the only black mark of Jake's birth. 

This was the bitchy troll hurtful person that was mean to my husband and he had just lost his dad not 3 hours before we arrived for Jake's birth. She was horrid to me once she found out I wasn't Jill's (Jake's birth mom's) labor coach but rather the adoptive mom. She was a terrible mean person and I can't stand her. Despite the hospital social worker okaying us for a double room ( a bed for me and a bed for Jill ) so that I didn't have to sleep in a chair all night with Jake, she said no. We offered to PAY for a room. Her comment was something like we are a hospital not a hotel. 

She refused to give Jill the paperwork to sign that would give us (hubby and I) the ability to make decisions for Jake and to be with him at all times. As soon as he was born Jill asked for the form and the nurse said, "oh you'll just have to wait". Jill waited 5 mins and then said, "I need that form". After Troll Nurse said, "in awhile", Jill flipped out on her. I mean lost it. So she went out and another nurse brought the form in just a few seconds later. I seriously thought Jill was going to kill this nurse. LOL I should probably call her and tell her I saw the Troll yesterday.

Anyway, when the troll walked in hubby's back was turned to the door, but he saw my eyes get huge and he said, "What, what's the matter". I said, "the Betty Rubble Troll Bitch Nurse just walked in". Hubby thought it was funny, I was done eating. I swear I was hoping they would have to walk past us, I was preparing to give her the dirtiest look possible. But, that sat in a different section. She was with her kid. I would never have said anything to her with her kid around. 

I'm still beyond happy

I'm living in the moment right now. Seriously I am in my own reality right now. I'm considering myself pregnant and blissfully so. I figure I may only have two weeks to feel this way, so I'm going to do it right. Hopefully I have 9 long months to do it! Last night my PIO shot went MUCH, MUCH better. My nurse gave me shorter needles and a new location to shoot up! It worked, I'm so not sore and it was so much easier to do the shot. FYI the location is just below the hip bone and forward a bit. Last night to psych myself up for the shot (not knowing it would be this easy) I stared at the pics of my embryos. I'm in love. Seriously, I'm completely in love.

And for the record all the comments from you guys yesterday knocked me down! And I love, love, love the compliments about how perfect they are. LOL! Funny how the comments about the embryos feels as special to me as the comments about Jake. Feel free to tell me again. LOL Just kidding!

Speaking of Jake, he is in seventh heaven right now. He has two teenage girls at his beckon call. They are adorable young ladies and they are spoiling him to the point of no return. I don't know if I'll be able to deal with him when they go home today at 4pm. He's not going to be happy with rules again. 

Speaking of teens and babies. I watched a disgusting show last night that I swore to myself I would not watch, but I had to. I had to see how bad it was. B.aby B.orrowers. OMG! If I could have crawled through the TV screen and slapped half of the participants I would have. If I could have gotten my hands on the one girl I would have choked her. And for the boyfriend of the pouty little bitchy girl, Kelly, RUN! I think his name is Austin. He's a good kid, why is he wasting his time with a selfish, self centered, idiotic, immature little twit like her. UGH! If he was my son I'd have to take him on a looooong trip somewhere till she found someone else. 

What disturbed me more than the dumb teens is the STUPID parents. I mean we expect teens to be dumb and immature. Their brains aren't developed. What is the excuse of these parents? Seriously? There is NO WAY that I would turn my kid over for this TV show. I don't care if their were shrinks, nannies, police and armed guards watching every moment. These are dumb teens who were unkind to these babies at some points. I was disgusted. I couldn't handle it. I mean I have two adorable teen girls doting on my son right at this moment while I'm on my post ET resting period, and I I'm not willing to leave the house or even shut my door. And I know these girls and trust them. But if I have to make a run to the market today, we are all going. There is no way I'm leaving Jake. Sorry, but girls this age get to texting their friends and that's when kids like Jake climb walls. You do remember this video don't you? And by the way as I type this I hear the sweet giggles of my baby boy playing hide-n-seek with the girls. 

Complaint moment

I'm sorry to complain on the happiest day of the year, but since I'm on bed rest (after giving up 18 eggs ) and I'm a bit bored, I figured I would share with you all my latest rant.

Yesterday I got an email from my mom that said: "Did you do the transfer today or is it tomorrow"? Firstly, it was egg retrieval and I had explained things to her on the phone when I spoke with her last Wednesday. By the way that was the first time she had called me since mid April! We have emailed and I spoke with her on her birthday in May, but that is the first time she had called me.

So I emailed her back, "Tomorrow, 5:30 am"

Her response, "Oh, good luck"

Now, I know she is who she is and she's never going to get the mother of the year award, but to be honest, I was really annoyed by her and her stupid email. I think it would have been better if she didn't ask at all. Then at least it would have been her forgetting, not that she wasn't concerned. Does that make any sense at all?

I guess no matter what I'll be annoyed by her. 

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one on Typepad having issues uploading video. It is driving me nuts. I have the cutest video of Jake and Large Marge and I want to upload it and have it embedded and it isn't doing it. It just shows the darn code. I've never had problems uploading videos before! 

Organic

I am super frustrated right now. I can't give you details on things. Sorry about that, I really hate being secretive. Honestly, I probably don't need to be discrete about this but until we move on I've decided it might be for the best. 

The product we are intending to sell we can not find in Organic farm. CAN NOT! Here's the part that makes it extra frustrating, all the ingredients that go into making this product can be found in organic form. So why on earth are they not making this product in Organic form? And it isn't like this is the type of product or business is rare. There is probably one of these business in your town and if you live in California there is probably quite a few near you. I'm nearly positive that nearly everyone who reads this blog has consumed this food.

I don't want to open just another one of these businesses, I want to open one that will be special, that will make us different in a market that I fear is already a tad saturated. I'm worried that since we are a tad behind in getting into this type of business that we will get lost in the shuffle unless we can offer something different, something better ... ORGANIC!

Organic products are not trivial or irrelevant in my opinion. Organic is not going to get less popular, it will only get more popular. So why on earth would there not be a company manufacturing this product in Organic form? 

To further make things difficult, I don't know if we can legally make it ourselves. I am sure we could if we pulled the proper health department permits and bought the equipment to make it, but that really makes things difficult cause it will add a LOT to our overhead. It just isn't practical to add all the equipment and added employees to this business if we have to make our own version in Organic form.

If we owned multiple stores, I'm sure I could find a company to make it for us. But with a start up business we won't require enough product to convince a company to make it for us. So I'm frustrated and don't know what to do. 

Any thoughts on Organic?

Reality - Chomping at the bit.

I am so tired this morning. I had a rough evening and night. I think the reality of what we are embarking on has hit me. I don't think my emotions have anything to do with the drugs as I'm only on Lupron now and a very small amount. I did take my last BC pill yesterday morning, but I don't think that has anything to do with the tears. I think it is just of matter of getting closer to the point of no return. 

My husband and I have been working on a business plan for months now. The type of business is sort of a secret at this point. I've not shared it with many people but I will as soon as it is a go. It isn't anything really exciting, just a business. I want to make it special, he wants to just open it. I'm having reservations about going forward with it. (in it's current state) Last night he said, "I think we just need to go ahead and do this" and well I lost it. Poor guy, he was shocked at my tears. Heck, I was shocked at my tears. I'm not ready for planning this business right now and while he is very supportive of our IVF plans, sometimes I don't think he gets it. Nor should he, it isn't his body. Because he is the bread winner in the family his priorities are the same, but lined up differently than mine. I don't think this is as real for him as it is for me. 

I'm also very sensitive to how much he worries about me. So I feel like I have to not complain about the drugs or shots. So far that has been easy as the shots are nothing and the Lupron has been a breeze. But in the back of my mind is the nagging fear that I won't be able to be a good mom to Jake while under going the stims, that I won't be a good wife to hubby. That I'll just be a big old hen laying in bed producing eggs with my fat speckled belly sticking out. I'm anxious that the drugs may effect me like they did previously. I know the test dose went fine, but it was such a tiny amount. And if I do have the same allergic type reactions, what should I do. I mean this isn't like an IUI when it comes to canceling a cycle. My FSH drugs alone were $3,400+! Our insurance is covering NOTHING. Zilch, Zippo, Nada! In fact things we were told they were going to cover because it was diagnostic, they have now informed us they won't be covering. I have yet to get the bills, but it will probably add about $1,500-$2,000 more to our expenses.

We also had our heat/AC unit break down 2 weeks ago. Our weather has been extremely mild this spring. I mean last year at this time we were 20 degrees warmer. Its' been a life saver this week to have the weather so nice, low 70's to mid 80's for the past 2 weeks. I love it! No need for A/C. But the temps are going to start climbing soon. Low 90's by the weekend maybe. The last thing I want to deal with is a toddler, IVF drugs and 100 degree heat! That might send me over the edge. This week we got three estimates on a new unit and we hired someone last night. The new unit will go in on Friday. It's a big hit to our pocket book, $5,400. That alone can make someone emotional I tell ya!

There you have it. I've dumped on my blog buddies almost all that is going on in my pea size brain. I won't go into to how I'm starting to second guess every decision right now. I'm still extremely optimistic and excited. I'm still glad we are going forward with things. I'm glad we were able to shuffle funds around and I have no issues with the financial sacrifices we are going to have to make in order to move forward. I did tell hubby last night that I'm not ready to sell the sheep yet, just in case we don't get pregnant, I'm really going to need that outlet. That is the first time I've said anything remotely negative about our IVF journey. 

It was nice to get an extra kiss and a tighter, longer squeeze from my honey before he left this morning. He told me everything was going to be fine .... and I believe him. 

Starting off badly.

I guess I really hurt some feelings and angered people with my posts on entering the IVF forums. For that I am extremely sorry. I hate making people feel badly. My purpose for writing the original post was because I was feeling a tad out of place in the IVF Cyber world.

I also don't like the hatefulness I read. I really cringe when I read some of things that were written. And it isn't the stuff about being frustrated because the sister-in-law got pregnant by her boyfriend of 2 months. That I totally get. Been there, cried that! Trust me those are extremely hard things in life to watch.

What I was venting mostly about, and please, hear me out on this, was the anger towards the innocent. Sometimes, no matter what a person does, because of our own circumstances we are pissed off at them. That's a given. And Yes, an IVF forum is the perfect place to vent those angers because we are around people of our own ilk who have a 'dog in the same fight' so to speak.

But spewing anger because someone did or did not send a baby shower invite to you is not healthy. (this is just one example - but I think you get the point) I really don't think it is productive. I mean this for your own health, not the well being of the person who did/did not send the invite. It is negative energy and it really doesn't help to write about it, read about it or marinate in that frustration and anger of it. Sure it feels good to say, "You know I'm really hurt and upset that Mary did/ didn't send me an invite to her sister's baby shower". That is different than "Mary is an evil cruel person and I will never speak to her again and if I do speak to her again I'm going to ream her a new one".

I did get that stabbing feeling of pain when I received baby shower invites. It hurts, it hurts to the core. And I'm not saying I didn't pout and bitch and complain and all that good stuff. But I think what I didn't do, that I read a lot of, is characterize the person who did or did not send the invite as evil. I did not think of the 1000 reasons they should/shouldn't have sent the invite. And no, I'm not the goody-two-shoes infertile who spreads flower petals in and out of my RE's office door. Reality can really suck some times.

I hope all of you struggling to become mommies, become mommies soon. From the bottom of my heart, this is my wish. It is an amazing, wonderful place to be that really does live up to all your wildest dreams. I feel so humbled and privileged to be a mommy and if a second child happens I'll be even more thankful.

To all of you struggling who read my post and felt hurt and angry. I'm sorry. I was expressing frustration on my own blog and as you can see that negative energy didn't do any of us any good.

Trust me, I do remember! I'm not on my high horse.

Believe me I remember how hard it was to wait. I remember being annoyed at my dad when he would ask nearly every time I spoke with him, "Any news yet". Or the kicker when he said, "Gosh this is taking a long time" That was the last thing a desperate, waiting-to-be-mommy needs to hear. I remember seeing a pregnant homeless woman and crying like a baby because it was just so unfair.

What I don't remember is being hateful towards people when they were trying to be kind to me (even if their words probably weren't stated correctly or tactfully at the time). I don't remember finding relief or "bonding" with other infertiles in saying hateful things about pregnant women that were seen at Target. That type of stuff didn't make me feel better. Even before Jake I think I was not as selfish as many of the women who post on these forums. I'm no saint, TRUST ME. But instead of not wanting to see pregnant women I would joke to my husband that I wanted to sniff their air and "catch what they have".

I do get the whole hormone thing. I know our brains don't function normally when we are on those drugs. For those of you who don't know our background story the reason we turned to adoption after only about 1 1/2-years of Infertility Treatments was because all three of the Reproductive Endocrinologist who tested us and checked both of us out from head to toe and every space in between said we were fine. Unexplained infertility was our "diagnosis". It was hard for us to justify IVF when they didn't know what was wrong. But the biggest reason we turned to adoption was I had some very, very severe reactions to the drugs used. Repronex about killed me and I'm NOT kidding or exaggerating. We have a lot to discuss with the docs in our future about the drugs that will be used on me.

We went through multiple injectable cycles of IUI's and two failed adoption matches. I think I can say we went though a heck of a lot to become parents. We even had to fight the Cherokee Tribe in order to keep Jake. So I think I have a right to speak out on this topic.

Now, having said all that I want to make sure everyone knows that I would NEVER speak out against these ladies on the IVF forums. That is their safe area to vent. This blog is my safe area to vent. I get that these statements are snippets of people's lives. But sometimes snippets say a whole lot about a person.

For me I knew being a mommy was the goal, not being pregnant. Don't get me wrong I think I mourned the loss of that aspect of womanhood. I would like to have that experience but being a mommy makes up for so much.

I hope all the woman whose angry distasteful post I've read get pregnant or become mommies soon. I hope they try to tone down the hatefulness and selfishness and remember that we don't have a right to be mommies it is a privilege and an honor.