Away To Me

I'm okay

Thank you everyone who has checked on me recently. I'm fine. I've had a couple things going on that has left me wanting to keep quiet. Then I had some help keeping quiet when I spilled an entire glass of water on my open Mac book lap top. The computer survived ... sort of. The "N" and the "D" key didn't work. It's really difficult to type anything without those keys.

Things are well with us here. Busy but well. I will get back to blogging and telling everyone about the adventures of raising a 3yo with twin baby brothers in the near future. For now I'm going to stick to just raising those kids and trying to make it through the day. Seems like I can't get caught up on anythying right now.

1:30 am Light Bulb Moment

Warning, this is a long, drawn out post. I'm sorry for the ramble, but the post is more for me than for all of you, but some might find my neuroses interesting. LOL!

It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. The babies are restless, but sleeping so I really should be trying to catch some zzz's, but my mind is working too hard right now. 

I was thinking about my day today and I'm unable to relax and calm down. As I was processing my thoughts, I was doing sort of a mini blog post in my head and I had a total light bulb moment. It was so revealing to me, that I couldn't believe I hadn't realized until just now what was going on with me. And then I was trying to process things more and kept getting stuck in the same spot and decided to get out of bed, check on Jake and then try to sort things out on my blog so that I could clear my mind and go to sleep.

You see today was a rough day. (well yesterday). We are up against the clock to find a home to purchase. We need to be out of this rental by November 1. In order to be out of here, we basically need to start escrow on a house early next week. It takes about 30 days to fund a loan and close an escrow. Our six months of looking for houses and making offers on houses has finally come to an end. Either it happens this week or we find a more permanent rental. 

So this morning (actually yesterday) I woke up feeling anxious. Almost hyper. I wanted to have a plan for the day. I wanted to have an answer on the last house we made an offer and counter offer on. I needed to know if I would be spending next weekend looking for rentals instead of a purchase. We looked at five homes within an hour and 10 minutes. That is difficult to do with twin 7 month olds and Jake, in and out of car seats. All the homes were in a large gated community within close proximity to each other, which helped. The first house we saw, I really liked. It's dated, it's got some quirks, but it's a neat house that we can really turn into a show place I think. The whole time we were looking at houses I was feeling anxious, but completely in control. After we saw the last house I started to feel panicky. I was irritated with hubby's driving, irritated with not knowing what to do next. 

We decided to go grab some drive-thru lunch and take it back to the first house we looked at that morning, sit outside on the patio, soak in the house (it is vacant), run the numbers and make a decision if we wanted to place an offer on it should house #10 not work out. On the way back to the house, lunch in hand, hubby's cell phone rang. House #10 is not accepting our counter offer, it's a no-go. I don't want to say I lost it, but I did break down a bit. I started to cry a little and then my face flushed and I got terribly anxious. Hubby  missed a turn, which nearly sent me spinning. Something so minimal, like missing a turn made me want to scream. The bag of food I was holding felt way too hot. Jake's constant whine for his milk and his sandwich made me sound like a robot, "Just a minute Jakey". Wesley started to fuss and cry. It was all too much. I couldn't wait to get out of the car. The moment the car stopped I got out and took deep breaths. It was a panic attack, not a horrible one, I was still in control, but it was starting to make me scared. After a few minutes I began to calm down. The strange thing is, it wasn't until later in the day that I realized it was a panic attack. 

After lunch we went home, got the kids down for a nap and relaxed for a bit. We decided to write up an offer on the house. I called our sitter to see if she could watch Nate and Wes for a bit while hubby, Jake and I went back to the house to sign an offer agreement. I was feeling good, a little anxious, but not not panicked. 

When we get to the house, we are outside talking about the pool repair work that needs to be done. The pool is empty right now. For some reason, hubby was down in the empty pool and Jake decided to go down there with him. Totally understandable that a 3y would want to explore the bottom of an empty pool with his daddy. The problem is, pool steps aren't like non-pool steps. They are very steep. Jake tried to negotiate the third step down, couldn't make it, decided to jump and basically did a swan dive chest first, forehead second into the concrete. I could see it happening, but couldn't stop it. Right as I went to say, "help him" to hubby, it happened. The noise was horrible. I was so scared. I was thankful to hear his screams, it meant he wasn't knocked it. He basically jumped 3 feet before he smacked. I instantly snapped at hubby. Then I apologized just as quickly. I wanted to hold Jake, but hubby had him in his arms and was soothing him. Then I started to try to act calm and in control with the real estate agent. Why, I have no idea, it is programmed into me.

After a few moments of hubby being inside the house with Jake and me trying to make light of the situation with the real estate agent, I excused myself and went inside and grabbed my boy and hugged him. He was already done crying, and I was trying oh so hard not to start. The bump on his head was already starting. I took the ice out of my water and started rubbing it on his head. He was fine, it wasn't as bad as we thought or it could have been. 

We signed the paper work, and headed out. We needed to hit the market before going home. As we drove, my panic feeling set in. By the time we got to the store I was a huge bundle of nerves. I kept talking calmly to Jake, and going over our shopping list. Meanwhile, hubby acts like he's lost. He's still shaken by Jake's fall. So I finally told him, "I need this to be a brief shopping trip, I need you to take over, I'm about to loose it". So he did. Poor guy had tears in his eyes watching Jake in the rearview mirror as we drove to the market. He was feeling so terrible about it all. 

I actually never did loose it. I actually got myself calmed down before we even got to the house. I was doing good all evening, and I fell asleep pretty easily. Then about an hour ago,(midnight) the babies were up, I got them calm again and I could not shut my brain off. I started to think about the previous time in my life when I had panic attacks. I was in my early 20's and it was a very difficult thing to go through. I was thinking about blogging about today's episode and comparing it to that time in my life and then boom! Light bulb moment. 

When I was about 23, I was going through a tough time. Which I think is normal for that age. I was working two highly demanding jobs for awhile, then I transitioned to just one very demanding job. I was off the diet pills I had been on for about six months (Phen Fen) and I was trying to manage my weight without them and not having success and I was on-again-off-again dating a creep. The results of all the turmoil ... panic attacks. Bad ones. To the point where I had very weird episodes. I'll give you the brief version on it: I couldn't make right hand turns while I was driving (I could, but it freaked me out and I avoided them at all costs) made it hell to get off the freeway let me tell you! I became a shopper which I am normally not at all. I was living in furnished place and I was buying sheets, art work and furniture from Ikea. It was beyond strange. It morphed within in weeks into not being able to easily leave my living quarters or, once I did leave and made it to work, I couldn't easily leave work. It would be 8 or 9pm and I'd be at my office, unable to walk out the door. I finally saw a therapist who within a few sessions helped me out greatly. 

She explained things to me very clearly and gave me some skills to help with the panic attacks. She believed that part of the cause of my panic attacks were the diet pills I had been on. My body was adjusting to not being on them. But your basic run of the mill, overworked, over worried and stress was the basis for most of my problems. I was starting my life, my career and I could handle it all I thought. So when I couldn't sleep, I didn't worry about it, when I got a rash or hives, I thought it was something I ate, all the signals my body gave me, pleading with me to slow down, I ignored until finally my brain said, "Enough". And that is when I got my panic attacks. It was the only way my brain could force me to slow downs and take care of myself. I didn't listen to the insomnia, the hives or the other signals so my brain basically said, "I'll show you" and I had the panic attacks. 

And that my friends (those of you still brave enough to read this far) is where I had my light bulb moment at 1am. I realized, that today's (yesterday really) panic attack is my body's way of saying, "hey lady, you are going too fast, doing too much and not helping me". 

I've been not good to myself lately. I'm getting very little sleep and no REM sleep. I still do not get more than 21/2 hours straight at night. I've been consuming food like a teenage boy with a metabolism of a humming bird (which I do NOT have), so my weight is climbing by the minute. I've been giving 100% of myself to the kids and not to my hubby. Which is horrible for him and me because I love oh so much to be giving to my husband, it helps me! I'm running around in circles and not going anywhere. It did not even dawn on me until I just typed this that I've even had a few rashes lately, just like I did prior to my panic attacks more than 13 years ago.

Now the tough part, changing. I'll have to keep you posted on how that goes.

By the way, I just had a glass of milk and a piece of carrot cake while I proof read this post. I'm an idiot!

I'm okay

Sorry I've been MIA. I've been really busy with life. I've been working a bit which is hard with the twins, but they've been to one shoot with me and hubby watched them when I had the other shoot.

Still no house yet. We are 118 or so days and counting in escrow. We have also made offers on two other houses, one a short sale, the other a private sale that we hope to hear back on today.

Jake started pre-school and seems to like it. I don't like it as much as his school last year. There is less contact with me and his teachers. I don't know if we want to keep him in the program to be honest. It is extremely expensive and I'm not feeling great about it all.

The babies are well. They turned 7 months on Friday. They are enjoying food now. We have done Baby Led Weaning. I hope to write a whole post on that eventually.

Thank you to all who emailed me and were concerned. I'm sorry I took a blog break without warning. It was sort of an unexpected break and then I found it hard to get back in gear. 

Here are some photos:

Jake school (first 2 days of school, no uniform - then he had to start wearing his uniform) I have yet to iron on the school patch that goes on his shirt.  I was kind of waiting to see if this school is going to work out. 

We purchased annual memberships to the local zoo. I got a sitter for the babies early Friday morning and took Jake over there. I had a blast, he got tired quickly. Good thing it is close and we can go back frequently for short visits.

Here are a few pics of the babies. Nathan is sitting up well. He loves to crawl upside down. You really have to see it to believe it. Wesley is my happy go lucky guy. He is so close to a real crawl I can't stand it. Still no teeth, but I'm in no hurry for them to have chompers!

And one last photo to show you it's not all fun in games here! LOL!

Buying a short sale home

We have leased our home out and we are buying a second home. The home we are buying is being sold as a short sale. Basically a short sale is the last step that a seller has to get out of their home loan without it being a foreclosure. The sellers have to ask the bank that carries their loan if they qualify for a short sale. Then they put the house up for sale and when an offer is made and the sellers think it is a fair price, they accept the offer and present the offer to the bank. Then both the seller and the buyer have to wait for the bank to determine if the sale price is acceptable to the bank. Basically, the seller is asking the bank to forgive them of part of their loan and call it even. 

For example if Joe Homeowner owes $300,000 on his mortgage and he has lost his job and wants to get out of the home, he puts it up for sale. The market has tanked so his home is worth a lot less than he owes on it. So he gets an offer for $250,000. He then asks his bank if they'll take the $250,000 and call it done. The bank may say yes, or the bank may say, "no, we need to get at least $260,000". 

Right now we are at the stage of the sale where we are waiting on the bank to decide if our offer is an acceptable amount. The bank has conducted their appraisal of the home (back on July 10). The sellers have been approved for a short sale. But we are still waiting on the bank to okay the selling amount and the terms of the sale. Today is day 82 of this process. I knew short sales were slow and I knew that we could expect delays, but I'm loosing patience. 

Part of the reason I'm loosing patience is because of the agents, both the selling agent and our agent, either not having information, having false information or withholding information. As an example, the selling agent told us back in May that he hopes to hear back from the bank within 40 days. They didn't even appraise the house until 44 days after we were in escrow! 

Secondly, we were told there was only one loan on the place and we just found out last week that there are in fact two loans on the place. Meaning the sellers had a first mortgage and either a second or a line of credit. Which means there are more hoops to jump through in order to get bank approval. 

Thirdly our agent asked which bank we were dealing with. Now I'm not sure if she didn't tell us or if she wasn't told or dropped the ball or what. I do know she specifically asked if this sale was through BofA. I suppose I should have gotten on the ball and pressed for an answer, but I didn't. Sure enough, it's a BofA sale. BofA is the worst when it comes to short sales taking time. They have investors that basically buy debt. (Not exactly sure how that works) but each short sale has to be run through this group of investors or something like that. Frankly, I'm not sure I believe any of this stuff. 

Honestly, I can't remember the house inside. I drive by it at least twice a week. We have asked to see it again and we were told we'd have to wait till after the 20th of this month when the sellers move out. We are worried about them moving out because they are turning off the utilities. So unless the selling agent pays for the water and power to stay on, the landscaping will dry up and unless they pay for pool maintenance, then the pool will also go to heck. 

While this rental is really cute and has everything we need (it's fully furnished). I want my own things and my own home. I want my babies to have their real cribs, not the pack n plays. I want my king size bed back. I want a yard with a fence around the pool so that I can send Jake and the dogs out to play. 

I realize it could be so much worse and that we are extremely fortunate, but I'm hitting my limit now.

Bad Mommy Confession

I ate Jake's chocolate bunny from Easter.

He forgot bout it when I hid it from him. 

Bad mommy. 

Headache and pissed

I still have my headache. It is currently sitting behind my left eye and it travels back and forth from my forehead to the back of my neck, all on the left side. 

And the masseuse flaked on me. I got to my appointment at 10-am and I waited till 10:15. No show. Finally I asked the receptionist what is up. They don't know, ask if they could rebook me. Um Ya, first explain what the heck happened. I said, "I'm here for a massage cause I've had a headache for 24 hours and now I'm extra crabby". They apologized and rebooked me for tonight. They wanted to have me come back in an hour and I explained that I had to organize a baby sitter and that's just not going to work. So now I have to wait till hubby comes home and I'll have the massage at 6:30 tonight.

As for the baby sitter. I have mixed emotions. This is a new lady. I met her and her family at the park and spent some time with them before I hired her. Today was the first day she watched Jake. I stayed for the first 20 mins or so while they were outside. Honestly, I don't like a few things and I don't know if I'll hire her back. I'm so weird about leaving Jake. I just HATE it. 

Firstly, she came like 20 mins early, which is okay, but don't pound on my door like I'm the one that is late. I was in my bedroom getting dressed so I probably didn't hear the door. 

Secondly, she was wearing a stained shirt and torn sweats. She looked extremely tacky. Now I know she's just here to play with my kid, but it bugged me. Petty? Probably. 

Thirdly, she calls me "Hon" all the time. I HATE that. Really, call me by my first name, not "Hon" and not every time you address me. 

Fourth, and this is something that I probably shouldn't consider, but I'm going to be honest and mention it. She has some odd tattoos that are visible on her neck and chest. They bug me. Petty, probably. But when I hire someone I have to take into account everything. Normally tattoos don't bug me. I don't want one for myself, but I'm not offended by them, in fact I think some are really awesome. These, look like they are home made or something and they are just odd. The location is odd too. I can't pin point what it is about them, but it looks like gang tattoos more than studio tattoos. Does that make sense?

She seems good with Jake. That's most important. And she's friendly and nice. She has a beautiful smile. I guess those are the most important qualities. Maybe I'm just crabby headache girl and I'm nit picking. I don't know if I'll hire her again or not. We shall see. 

For now I'm going to take a nap with my boy and hope my headache gets better instead of worse! 

Migraine & Massage

I've been battling a migraine for over 24 hours now. For some reason when I lay on my side I get these headaches, sometimes they are worse then other times. Yesterday, was in the category of much worse than normal. 

I'm actually thinking of going to a chiropractor for this issue. Now, I must say I'm not a huge fan of chiropractors. I worked for one when I was first out of high school for about 3 weeks and I never had any neck issues till I worked for him and got free adjustments. I have a pregnancy massage booked for this morning. Hopefully that will help until I can find some other help in the form of a Chiropractor or who knows. 

Now here's the interesting thing. The masseuse who gave me a message back in March was talking to me about kids. I mentioned I had a soon to be 2-yo son. She had two boys from a previous marriage. She went on to explain that she had a hysterectomy in her mid 20's from some issues and now she really wishes she could have a girl with her new husband. (She is the same age as me, I think we were only a month apart) They had discussed adoption but couldn't decided on domestic or international. I then explained that we adopted our son. The conversation progressed and she informed me that her husband's boss's wife offered to be surrogate for them if they ever decided they wanted a biological child. She told me about the clinic that they had already had a consult with and that they did a procedure to determine the sex of the embryo. (At the time I didn't know that was possible, now I know it is called PGD). She said she really liked the doctor but that they were still undecided on which route to take. 

When I returned home from that massage, happy and relaxed I looked up the clinic she mentioned. It got me thinking about if we might be able to have a second child without going the adoption route. A few weeks later I called to book an appointment with them and the rest of the story you guys all know.

Well the masseuse who will be doing my massage today I think is the same lady. I could not remember her name, but I was sent a $10 gift certificate after my massage last time and it was signed, "Thank you, Christy" . Yesterday when I booked the massage I asked the receptionist who would be giving me the massage and she said, Christy. So I'm thinking I'll be getting the same lady and I can't wait to tell her. 

Okay, here goes the selfish post

Firstly I feel like I need to put giant disclaimers all over this post in big bold underlined text.

DISCLAIMERS:   I'm extremely happy to be pregnant. I have no regrets about being pregnant. I'm more than excited about being able to parent more children. I'm also glad that we are able to do this without adoption. Adoption was FANTASTIC for us. I'm so grateful for how it changed our entire world and brought us the most important person in our lives. But I'm thankful I have this new experience. 

We also went into IVF knowing that we had the possibility of producing twins. We discussed this all in advanced. We weighed our options when we were asked about transferring one blast or two. We were told 30% chance of twins if you transfer two. We were also told it effects are chances of conceiving by 30% if we only transfer one. We had to decide, we were more open to the idea of twins or the idea of not being pregnant. We knew we would only do one IVF cycle. So for us, the decision seemed extremely obvious, transfer two.

Now, with those disclaimers up front, here's why I'm feeling terribly selfish. Twins are going to be very difficult and I'm worried about how it's going to effect us. First, I think about Jake and it will effect him. He's already going to have deal with being different because he came to us in a different way than his future siblings. Plus, I'm worried he's going to feel like the odd man out since he's siblings will be the exact same age. This worries me. I sometimes wonder if it would have been better for him to be an only child? Would it make him feel more secure if it was only him? Did we do him a disservice by getting pregnant with twins.

Second to Jake is myself ( and this is where I feel very selfish). The worries about Jake are more about second guessing our decision. The feelings I'm having about the future when I set Jake's emotions aside for a moment are that of pure selfish nature.  I was so lucky with Jake. I was able to be a SAHM and not have any real financial worries. We made sure we were able to pay our bills on one income and made some changes before he was born that allowed me to fully enjoy my time with Jake. And enjoy it I have! When he was a newborn I did everything with him. I was out sheep herding, shopping, doing my photo shoots. You name it, I was there and so was Jake. I had a gorgeous, healthy, no fussy, easy-going wonderful little baby boy who I showed off to anyone and everyone. I never missed an event, a party or day enjoying my normal life with the wonderful addition that was our son.  Jake and I or Jake, daddy and I did EVERYTHING together. I felt a high that I can't really describe. The sleepless nights weren't so bad and really, I was flying so high on happiness, I didn't need sleep. 

When I think about how things are going to be different with TWO babies I go to my selfish place. How am I going to be able to do what I want to do? How am I going to function with a busy near 3-year-old and twin newborns? I'm going to have to give up my hobby, my travels with my dogs, my normal life. I'm not even going to be able to run to the market during the day very easily. Did I mention I never left Jake until he was 6-mo-old? And that was a quick run to Target while he stayed with daddy. Ya, I'm thinking it's going to be impossible to take the twins and Jake everywhere.

One baby plus Jake would be doable. But two, I just can't see my life existing as it has been. And that scares the crap out of me. I can't imagine going out with two babies and Jake and trying to go herd sheep. I can't fathom the logistics of all this. I can't even imagine trying to stay up all night with newborns and then keeping Jake happy and active all day. 

I guess I'm scared. I'm nervous and thoughts of the future just completely overwhelms me. I know it's only a few years of adjusting things in a major way before they are walking talking and able to do more with me. And I do think that Jake is going to be a super helper. And even if he isn't (cause that isn't a roll I'm going to push on him) I know he'll always be my fun little boy to do things with. And I can only hope that he will love his younger siblings. 

Another reason I'm feeling selfish, I feel like I'm going to miss my Jakey too much. I'm feeling the clock ticking on the weeks and months that I have left of just him and I. I'm feeling like I need to soak up every ounce of our one-on-one time before it's gone and when those feelings hit me I feel almost a sense of mourning over loosing our special mommy-only child status. 

I'm not worried about how this will effect my darling husband (well, not any more than anyone else would be). He is so accommodating and wonderful and rolls with the punches so easily. I know he'll give all of us everything that we need, emotionally, physically, financially, etc. He's my core of support and understanding. I've shared with him my feelings and my worries and he completely understands and always makes me feel okay about them.  A few weeks ago I broke down crying, sobbing really. I told him how relieved I was to see both babies on the u/s. I felt like all my worrying about twins was going to wish one away and how terrible I'd feel if we lost one. He was so understanding and sweet.

So there you have it, my most embarrassing post to date. My selfish, worried insecure feelings that make me sound like I'm not grateful for what we are expecting. And truly from the bottom of my heart I am very thankful and I hope that one day I'll look back on this post and laugh my head off. But for now, these are my selfish worries.

Creating our family - our history & bit more.

The history of us and our infertility and adoption:

• March '03 - Married
• August '03 - Bought first home and started to try to make a baby.
• March '04 - Talked to Gyno about not getting pregnant yet. (early yes, but I knew something was off)
• June '04 - Met with RE
• July '04 - Dec '04 - Tested for all infertility issues. Did our first two IUI's (1 natural & 1 Clomid)
• Jan '05 - moved on to adoption, signed with an agency 
• June '05 - decided to try new RE while waiting on adoption. Started injectable IUI's. (2 cycles)
• Mid June '05 - First match with potential birth mother
• July '05 - First failed match - On the same day I found out I wasn't pregnant (the first time I had ever made it to a Beta test) I found out our match had failed. (within 2 hours of learning we weren't pregnant)
• August '05- last injectable IUI cycle. Stopped Stims midway due to the severe allergic reactions.
• September '05 - Second match with potential birth mom (baby due Oct 10)
• October '05 -  Second matched failed. Birth mom decided to parent the child with the monster birth father who raped her 13-year-old daughter. 
• January '06 - was put in touch with Jake's bio family (Private adoption not affiliated with our agency)
• February '06 - flew out-of-state to meet Jake's bio family - Fell in love!
• March '06 - spent a week with Jake's bio family waiting for him to be born
• April '06 - Jake born in our home town.
• Jan '07 - Met with RE about trying it again. I left the jerk's office crying my eyes out. I was not ready to pursue things again. 
• February '08 Discussed foster/adopt seriously - hubby vetoed idea 
• March '08 started searching for new RE 
• May '08 Started first IVF cycle.

When I spell our history out in a brief time line like this it seems like such a short period of time. Certain moments stand out for me for different reasons. 

• Being left on the table at the fancy RE's office after being inseminated from our first IUI. I was left so long the timer in the room the runs the lights went off. I was told to lay there and relax for awhile. Nobody told me how long so I figured it needed to be awhile. Finally someone accidently came in and found me. I was so angry.

• The agency lies and deceptive tactics that cost us over $20,000. 

• The devastation I felt when I found out I wasn't pregnant despite not starting my period. It was the first time I had made it to the Beta test. I was sure I was finally pregnant. When I found out I wasn't I cried a bit and said, "well at least we have our adoption to look forward to". Two hours later the potential birth mom called and said she was going to parent. Happy for her but sad for us. I remember trying so hard to sound happy for her on the phone and not cry. Inside I felt like I was being punished for trying to get pregnant. We would not have been trying to get pregnant had we been matched but we were already in the middle of the medical cycle when we got the call about the match. It was a short match, 3 weeks but it still hurt when it ended.

• Nothing could prepare my already sensitive senses when the second matched failed. The circumstances were terrible and to this day I think of the baby boy we wanted to adopt. The person who gave birth to the child ( I will not give her the credit of being called mother) decided to parent him with his bio father. The man who was just out of jail after serving 8 months for pleading GUILTY to sexually penetrating a child under 13-years-old and a bunch of other charges. I read the court docs! That was her daughter! She chose that monster over her own daughter who then had to go live with the grandma. It made me so ill. 

• Meeting Jake's bio mom in person for the first time. That was one of the best moments of my life. It was so nice to see her and look into her eyes and realize that this actually might happen. We might actually become parents. I knew things were going to work out or really hurt bad when she gave me the necklace wit the silver heart with MOM written across it. 

• The moment Jake was born and I held him in my arms, naked against my bare chest. That was the best moment of my life. It still is.  

In the end all the drama and crap was worth it, I have my gorgeous, smart, wonderful, funny, amazing, fantastic little man. I'm so thankful we didn't get pregnant. Really, really bottom of my heart thankful. This time around however, I'm hoping it all works. I really would like to build on this family. I really would like Jake to have a sibling. I'd like to mother another child. I'd like to watch Alex father another child. He is such an awesome daddy.  

I don't need to be pregnant, but I'd like that experience.

I don't need to give birth, but I'd like to give birth and plan a birth plan.

I don't need to breast feed, but I'd like to be more successful at it than I was when I induced lactation for Jake.

I don't need to have a newborn experience again, but I enjoyed it so much, I'd like to.

I don't need any of this, but if it happens I know I'll appreciate it so much. I know I'll continue to do my best to make my kids happy. I know in my heart that if it doesn't work out that we will be okay, that I'll regret loosing the money, but not regret giving it a try. My heart hopes that hubby will come around to doing foster/adopt or that some situation that is perfect will fall out of the sky for us. Jake is completely enough and if he is our only child I don't think we will feel incomplete at all. But in my heart I think there is at least one more child out there waiting for us. 

Crap!

Um you know that other shoe dropping that I mentioned in my previous post. Well ya, it didn't drop but if it had, it probably wouldn't fit over my right foot. I think I broke something, the pinky toe or the foot. And you know what makes me the most mad. The fact that it HURTS way more than it looks like it should. It looks swollen. That's it. There's a slight greenish color between the pinky toe and the toe next to it and maybe across the top of the foot. But that's it. It should look Wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy worse considering how painful this is. I swear to you, within 3-5 mins of removing the ice I can't stand it. I have had it elevated and ice on it since about 2 mins after it happened over 13 hours ago. 

I was going to have it looked at at the Urgent Care, but hubby had to go to work this morning and really besides telling me it is broken what really can they do? Ice, elevated and a stupid boot. That's it. Well I can do that at home and avoid the co-pays.