Wow, I'm just so amazed by all the love and support I've received from both my friends and family. And when I say friends, I mean all of you and those in real life. It still blows me away how supportive and loving everyone has been. There has only been one blemish in the past 24 hours and that came last night from my MIL via her husband's remark. I won't get into the details but basically I can't figure out who is more stupid, him for making the remark or her for telling us about it. But, I'm not going to let idiotic statements rain on my pregnancy parade. We have to go to their place for a planned dinner on Saturday night. I might loose it! I'll probably update you all about the comment made at another time.
I need to make a disclaimer about all my pregnancy joy. Trust me, I am over the moon, deliriously happy, but my happiness does not come without the knowledge that things could be different in a heartbeat. I will not dwell on the what if's and fret about something I have no ability to change. I will live in the moment and enjoy what I am so thankful for, Jake, my husband, my extended family, my friends and every single second of this pregnancy. In fact, I was so secure with things this morning, I didn't even pee on the extra pee stick. I didn't feel the need.
Another point I want to make is despite the fact that we had more than four years of trying to conceive, multiple IUI's, and finally an IVF cycle, there are couples whose struggles are 100 times longer and more turbulent. They have endured miscarriages and many more BFN cycles than we have. I am not comparing pain to pain, we all have struggles, it all sucks. But I don't want anyone to think that I don't remember their struggles, that I don't appreciate what they are going through, living with and dealing with. Infertility is a club that non of want to belong to but we are all glad in some perverse way that we have had the opportunity to learn from and meet wonderful friends because of.
I am so thankful for being infertile. Had I not struggled with this trial, I wouldn't be the person I am, I wouldn't be Jake's mommy. And no matter what happens with this pregnancy, being Jake's mommy has been the most rewarding job ever. I'm so in love with Jake. I can't imagine loving any child as much, but everyone assures me I'll love the next child just as much. I hope so, cause love like this is the best.
Finally, I'd like to show off the lovely flowers that hubby brought home to me yesterday. He is still freaked about the possibility of twins and I'm still teasing him about it. LOL
I mean with freaking out over my kid. Then having some ass leave a not so nice comment on my blog regarding that post. I mean I'm an emotional mess today. I've been crying all day.
So when the nurse called and gave me such awesome progesterone and estrogen levels I thought screw it, I'll test. So I ran to Walgreens and bought the most expensive digital pregnancy test I could find. I also bought a HUGE bag of Oreos.
I am having a sort off day today. Everything is fine except the 2ww sort of got to me. I'm really wanting to test but I know it is probably better to hold off, especially given my current state of mind. I'm trying to stay positive, which can be a bit exhausting. Seriously, I think that's why I am tired I keep thinking of negative thoughts. There aren't that many negative thoughts, just the two:
This just can't happen on this first IVF attempt.
I don't feel any symptoms at all - which means this didn't work out.
The good news is I have a lot of positive things to remember. To push the two negatives out of my brain I keep reminding myself of all the positives:
I have no reason to believe this won't work out.
We transfered two perfect blastocysts.
All five embryos lived to day 5, we even had 3 to freeze
I have never had a miscarriage (that I'm aware of)
All my tests regarding my uterus look great.
I don't have endometriosis or PCOS or any other known issues effecting pregnancy
My lining at time of ET was perfect
My RE said, that one of the contributing factors to a successful ET is how easily the transfer actually goes, ours went perfectly!
I've been taking good care of my self health wise - lost 24 pounds prior to starting the cycle.
I quit caffeine and artificial sweeteners a long time before this cycle.
DH's swimmers were perfect according to our Embryologist.
I'm only 35.
So there is the list. I keep running the positives through my brain and I keep trying to remind myself to remain positive. I hope I can hold off testing until the 5th, but some how I doubt I'll make it that long and my official Beta from the RE won't be until the 9th!
Tomorrow I go in for an estrogen and progesterone level check. I hope those levels are perfect. It might help my mood.
Things are quiet during this 2WW. I did pee on the stick today but it was negative, which I figured it would be so I'm so not worried about things. Well, I always worry but not because of the pee stick. In fact today I think I felt the first sign of a possible pregnancy. I'm exhausted. Absolutely exhausted from the time I woke up this morning, till the time I took a 2 hour nap this morning. I caught a second wind after lunch but now at 5pm I think I could take a second nap. I can't quit yawning.
The pills and shot are making me sweat like crazy. More so the past few days than when I first started the PIO so it must be the estrogen. Who knows. I feel great though. Does anyone know if greasy scalp is a sign? I swear I just washed my hair and it looks all greasy again. I'm going to try to hold off testing until Thursday. I'd like to wait till after the weekend, but I don't know if I can hold off that long.
I'm afraid that if it is a negative I'll be bummed and depressed all weekend long, so I should wait and test after the holiday weekend. Then again, if it is positive, I can celebrate even more the holiday weekend. I'll figure it out by Thursday I'm sure.
Today I cleaned my bathroom. I cleaned out all the old shampoos, makeup, hair clips, etc. Stuff in the cute little boxes that you think you will use but you don't. I threw away an entire kitchen size trash bag worth of stuff. At one point I freaked cause I saw a box of pee sticks. But it wasn't pee sticks, it was OPK sticks. They have to be 3 years old. So I tossed them feeling relieved that I had avoided a pee stick. I had decided before we went in for ER that I would not buy any pee sticks or keep any in the house because I would be tempted to test too early.
Not two seconds after I felt relief at seeing the OPK's and thinking, "Phew no pee sticks" guess what ... Yep, I came across a pee stick. I tried to throw it away but it kept crawling out of the trash can and saying, "pee on me, pee on me". (how much do you want to bet that some perv is going to find my blog on google cause he types a search for "pee on me".
Anyway, now the stupid pee stick sits in the bathroom drawer. I will probably pee on it tomorrow morning. I figure if it is a BFN it is fine cause it is waaaay too early to test. If it is a BFP than I get to celebrate about 5 days earlier than I expected. I'll wait and see what the morning holds. Tomorrow will be 6dp5dt. Do these things expire? I guess that gives me another excuse if it shows up BFN.
Other than the pee stick issue I'm fine. I'm tired but can't sleep which is a horrid combination. I'm hoping tonight I'll sleep better. Hubby should be in at about 1am from his East coast trip. I can't wait to snuggle up to him.
So far my the pictures of our blasts have been described as Antique Coins (love that) Smashed bottle caps (don't love that so much - figures it would be my mother who would say that.)
But the classic came tonight. Jake was sitting in my lap and I was checking a message board where I have a pic of the blasts on my signature line. Jake points to the picture and says, "mmm pizza". They actually do look a little like pizzas.
I'm living in the moment right now. Seriously I am in my own reality right now. I'm considering myself pregnant and blissfully so. I figure I may only have two weeks to feel this way, so I'm going to do it right. Hopefully I have 9 long months to do it! Last night my PIO shot went MUCH, MUCH better. My nurse gave me shorter needles and a new location to shoot up! It worked, I'm so not sore and it was so much easier to do the shot. FYI the location is just below the hip bone and forward a bit. Last night to psych myself up for the shot (not knowing it would be this easy) I stared at the pics of my embryos. I'm in love. Seriously, I'm completely in love.
And for the record all the comments from you guys yesterday knocked me down! And I love, love, love the compliments about how perfect they are. LOL! Funny how the comments about the embryos feels as special to me as the comments about Jake. Feel free to tell me again. LOL Just kidding!
Speaking of Jake, he is in seventh heaven right now. He has two teenage girls at his beckon call. They are adorable young ladies and they are spoiling him to the point of no return. I don't know if I'll be able to deal with him when they go home today at 4pm. He's not going to be happy with rules again.
Speaking of teens and babies. I watched a disgusting show last night that I swore to myself I would not watch, but I had to. I had to see how bad it was. B.aby B.orrowers. OMG! If I could have crawled through the TV screen and slapped half of the participants I would have. If I could have gotten my hands on the one girl I would have choked her. And for the boyfriend of the pouty little bitchy girl, Kelly, RUN! I think his name is Austin. He's a good kid, why is he wasting his time with a selfish, self centered, idiotic, immature little twit like her. UGH! If he was my son I'd have to take him on a looooong trip somewhere till she found someone else.
What disturbed me more than the dumb teens is the STUPID parents. I mean we expect teens to be dumb and immature. Their brains aren't developed. What is the excuse of these parents? Seriously? There is NO WAY that I would turn my kid over for this TV show. I don't care if their were shrinks, nannies, police and armed guards watching every moment. These are dumb teens who were unkind to these babies at some points. I was disgusted. I couldn't handle it. I mean I have two adorable teen girls doting on my son right at this moment while I'm on my post ET resting period, and I I'm not willing to leave the house or even shut my door. And I know these girls and trust them. But if I have to make a run to the market today, we are all going. There is no way I'm leaving Jake. Sorry, but girls this age get to texting their friends and that's when kids like Jake climb walls. You do remember this video don't you? And by the way as I type this I hear the sweet giggles of my baby boy playing hide-n-seek with the girls.